


Terminal Velocity

by sunshinesubarus



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Childhood Friends, Depression, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Friends to Lovers, Hate to Love, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Loss of Trust, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Warnings May Change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-01
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2020-07-28 14:11:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 39,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20065333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshinesubarus/pseuds/sunshinesubarus
Summary: It's just a dare, right?





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> hi hi i've wanted to write one of these hellfics for so long!

Senior year is supposed to be the year that everything happens? It’s supposed to be the year that you love the most, the year that makes every other one pale in comparison but right now there’s nothing. There’s nothing that makes Leo think that just maybe it will be worth it. Everyone else around him is having that year, all his other classmates and friends seem to be getting into relationships and it’s just him.

It’s just him left out, and alone and if he’s being honest, he doesn’t particularly care about it. It would be nice to have someone, but because of how everything works in high school the chance of that happening is zero to nothing. He doesn’t see himself with anyone, there’s one exception to that but he knows it’s impossible.

His notebook is open in front of him, it’s usually filled with music, notes and song lyrics scrawled all over the page but now there’s nothing there. There’s nothing but an empty page staring back at him, and he can feel the lead in his mechanical pencil about to snap.

He’s okay he knows he is.

It’s just senior year, it doesn’t matter how he looks, it doesn’t matter if he falls in love. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t get to have the experience that everyone dreams about. He doesn’t need anything like that because he has his music. His music takes away from the loneliness and emptiness that consumes him from inside. It’s his cure, but for some reason, there’s nothing there.

There’s nothing on the page staring back at him because he doesn’t know what to write or share. There’s nothing to share about his life because he’s so empty of experience, he can’t write about things he doesn’t know. Who would even do that? How do you write a song about heartbreak without knowing how it feels to have your heart ripped out and stepped on? How do you write a song about love when the person that you love doesn’t love you back?

He’s so sick of writing about loneliness, it’s going to kill him. He has notebook upon notebook sitting in the corner of his desk, hidden in the shadows filled with songs and music that are just…emptiness. Emptiness is a funny thing because it isn’t something everyone gets to experience.

Of course, people experience emptiness. But it’s not the same when he can barely bring himself to get out of bed each morning, shower or put on clothes. Every day is just a rinse and repeat, nothing new happens and if there was something new that was going to then he’s not sure how he would handle it or what he would do.

His breathing becomes apparent as he looks up from the paper, relaxing his shoulders and feeling them shift back to a more natural position. They're not hunched up anymore, but instead, let down. He loosens his jaw and lets out a yawn, stretching his arms up.

His notebook stays on the table.

Open, blank and empty.

The light cast on it by his lamp shows past musings through the paper.

His hands reach up to scratch behind his head, catching in his hair that feels a tad scruffier than usual, so he makes a mental note to shower that night. He stands up from where he’s been sitting for the last two hours, ignoring the heap of work that remains undone. He stretches his legs and arms up into the sky, humming to himself as he does so.

He would play his music, but it would disturb his younger sister along with the rest of his family. His voice will have to do, even then he can’t be too loud because it’ll only cause upset which is something that he doesn’t particularly want (or need) right now.

Though as he looks up through the small window on the other side of his room that looks out onto the neighbour’s home, he can see that it’s starting to get dark out. More time has passed than he thought so he begins to make his way out of his bedroom.

He closes his door, forgetting to turn his lamp off.

He gets downstairs to see Ruka helping out his mother and father in putting the table together for dinner. As he begins to help set out glasses, plates and cutlery he pretends not to notice the concerned looks from his parents. They’re always like that, just because he doesn’t go out on Friday nights or weekends with friends, they worry but he just isn’t a social person.

No one wants to hang out with him after school anyway, and the only time he does stay late at school is when he has club activities. Even during those his interactions with other students are limited. Just because he’s always scribbling things down in his notebook and scratching down different ideas or thoughts. People tend to think it’s weird so they stay away from him.

He doesn’t hate it though, he can’t really because it just makes his life a little bit easier. Not completely, but even if they’re whispering things behind his back, at least they aren’t harassing him during school hours. Usually, he isn’t paying attention in classes because he doesn’t need to, being the resident genius at Yumenosaki. It’s supposedly a waste for him to go to such a school and not pay attention but he works hard enough to keep his unit afloat, even if they barely look at him outside of practice.

They may not appreciate it but he enjoys it, he enjoys writing music which is why he still tries. Every member of knights also seems to be enjoying themselves whenever they perform so why would he want to stop?

How can he stop writing music when there’s his inspiration in front of him every day at school?

He sets the plates down on the table, the dull thud of them hitting against the wood drowned out by excited conversation between his mother and father. It’s something about his younger sister’s grades, how they’re proud of her for being involved and doing well.

The four of them sit down, each person sitting in their undesignated designated seat. His father sits at the head of the table with his mother on his left. Next to her is his sister, and then he’s seated on the right.

It all passes by relatively fast, like a well-rehearsed dance. He laughs and yells as Ruka shares about the things her friends have done at school, her voice loud enough that it could easily bring the house down. It’s nice, his family is nice and refreshing and a break from the harshness he faces each day at school.

Soon enough though, dinner is over. He finds himself making his way to his bedroom, when he opens his door, he can see the lamp in front of him. He’d accidentally left it on, his notebook is left open and he can see small sketches through the pages now that he looks close enough.

He sits down at his desk again, intrigued by what he’s left on each page and begins to slowly leaf through it. The sketches staring back at him looking exactly like his classmate. He finds himself thinking about how he’d looked. He reaches for his pencil, suddenly overcome with inspiration.

Not to write, but to do yet another sketch simply from memory. His pencil glides, and there’s a warmth slowly building in his chest. There isn’t much to think about, because he knows it’s all there. Everything from the feelings he’s held since he’d first encountered Izumi Sena overflowing.

His sketchbook, whilst filled with writing and musings, is also filled with sketch upon a sketch of his classmate. He doesn’t even look his way outside of practice, barely even acknowledging him. No one does, and he pretends it doesn’t hurt.

He lets out a sigh, forgetting how fast everything is passing by. He only sits up to look up at his clock after what he feels like thirty minutes but was what turns out to be an hour. He manages to get himself to bed, barely getting himself enough sleep for the day after.

It’s only as he’s drifting off that he remembers he forgot to take a shower that night.

* * *

There’s a cool breeze in the air that causes the wind to mess up his hair which makes him a little bit frustrated, but it’s not too big a problem. His skin is clearer than it’s been recently so that’s one plus he can focus on for now.

There aren’t too many people around him as of now, but from the corner of his eyes he can see Leo and it’s enough for him to start walking a little bit faster, so he doesn’t have to interact with him. It isn’t necessarily that there’s a problem between the two but there’s something uncomfortable whenever he’s around.

It’s just slightly unnerving.

Though he wishes he could be just as positive and outgoing as Leo sometimes, though he would never admit that to anyone. He’s loud although he knows people don’t particularly interact with him or like him.

There isn’t even a particular reason as of now, it’s just something that’s happened because he tends to be extremely in people’s faces. He may be different at home, but he’s pretty sure that Leo’s just someone known for being loud and chaotic wherever he goes. Whenever he talks about new ideas or compositions for music, there’s nothing but a light in his eyes as he rambles through everything.

Izumi doesn’t know where he gets his motivation from because isn’t it defeating to just … give everything and get nothing in return? It’s so stupid that someone would do that. It goes beyond stupid, it’s pathetic. His footsteps echo and he lets out a yawn, stretching his arms above his head as he walks into his classroom.

He pretends not to notice the flash of orange hair that goes by his classroom and into the next, he’s somewhat happy that he doesn’t have to deal with being in the same class as Leo. Now that’s out of the way, he can just focus on himself for the rest of the day.

There wasn’t anything to deal with, but there have been too many days where Leo’s attempted to start up a conversation with him on their way to classes in the mornings. There isn’t anything that he’d want to discuss with him, so the conversation is always stale and dry as he attempts to get away.

He rests his head on his hands, resting his eyes as he’d fallen asleep slightly too late and woken up too early. The school bell rings out only a few moments later, however, drawing him out of his power nap or whatever you wanna call it since he wasn't particularly sleeping. It was more to just replenish his energy than anything else.

Shu sends him a smile from his seat, he doesn't decide to smile back but instead just sends a nod. He doesn't make a habit of smiling too often so as not to cause wrinkles, smile lines or anything nasty like that. Though the same could be said of him frowning so often, which is something that he's trying to cut down on, but when you're constantly surrounded by underclassmen it can't be helped.

He's aware he's rather harsh around the edges but at least that's what spurs his fellow unit members to be their best selves, because if he wasn't hard on them then who would be? Leo's supposed to be their leader but it's become something they do together more than anything which oddly works since they've known each other for so long.

No one knows that though, and he'd rather keep it like that.

And their relationship doesn't particularly extend outside of classes anyways, so he doesn't particularly need to worry about that aspect of things.

Sometimes he finds himself missing how they used to be close when they were younger because he didn’t need to worry about his image as much. He didn’t have to worry about what people would think of him within the modelling world, or how his relationships would affect how people saw him. It was a lot simpler…It was easier when they were younger because they didn’t need to conform as much and whilst Izumi knows he’s almost impossible to get close to now, he wasn’t as guarded or closed off when he was younger. The light through the window warms his skin slightly, giving off a façade that it’s rather warm outside instead of cold.

Everything falls into order rather fast, the day passes by and he doesn’t think much of what’s happening until it’s time to go home. His group members are hovering around outside the classroom, and as he’s about to go to his club activities he finds himself whisked aside. He’s faced by the second years, all looking either at him with maniacal grins on their faces or looking at the ground.

He recognises Arashi almost right away, looking at him with a warm smile and a twinkle in her eyes. Then there’s Ritsu who just seems to be staring into the wall and Tsukasa just looks confused towards everything that’s going on. He’s just as confused as Tsukasa considering the look that Arashi’s giving him. Quickly, he’s taken from where he’d been waiting outside his classroom.

They end up in a practice room that looks a lot like it’s seen better days if everyone else from Knights is here, he has to wonder where Leo is. He doesn’t let himself ask though because there’s no point, he doesn’t care. Arashi knows that there are few people that he worries for, and she’s only ever seen him worry for Makoto.

He doesn’t like it when people know that he cares because then that just opens him to vulnerability, it’s easier to shield it through hate and dubious actions. Then he knows that they won’t hurt him, he knows they won’t disappoint him.

He just needs to look after himself for now, and it’s all he’s had to do. But also, if he’s able to intimidate and scare those who he believes important, then he can never hurt him. There are a lot of people who believe him to be unlovable because of his personality.

“What’re we doing here?”

“Arashi wants to play a prank it seems…”

Ritsu’s voice is barely stable as if he can barely stomach what she’s about to say.

“It wasn’t my idea, it was Mika’s!”

Izumi just nods his head, pretending not to be paying attention. He just wants to get home.

“I’m this close to telling you to shut up, but go on.”

“Leo’s got a big, big crush on you, so why don’t you ask him out? And wouldn’t it be funny to watch him fall for you and stumble? Then you’d get to rip his heart out, c’ mon, it’ll be fun for someone like you.”

His stomach fills with lead. He feels his gaze sharpen and he has to hold his tongue because he can’t let people know about what their history holds. He doesn’t let anything pass on his face but a smirk as he lifts his head, running his hand through his hair.

“That’s a stupid idea. Do you think it’d work…If you want to do something like that why don’t you give me something more worth my time.”

He doesn’t bother staying, instead, he walks out of the room, leaving his unit members behind him. There’s a feeling in his stomach that he can’t name, it’s not guilt or hate but it’s lingering there. It lingers for the whole way home, blurring his vision and nearly causing him to crossroads too early.

It eats at him, consuming him even as he sits at the dinner table later that night. His lamp left on in the corner of the room and he can’t believe that there’s part of him fighting to say no. He didn’t even give anyone an answer, he instead just walked off because he didn’t know what else to do.

If he says no, then his school reputation falls, and if he says yes then what about his modelling agency?

It’d have to be kept a secret for who knows how long.

There’s too much at risk to say yes, but oddly he finds himself thinking that this could work out okay for everyone. Leo seems like he’d laugh it off, he’d always be the one kid smiling and laughing no matter what when they were younger. The odd feeling in his stomach leaves him because there’s something else that he finds himself thinking.

There's something about this whole situation that he doesn't like but he's oddly intrigued because he's always felt something else but he doesn't know how to label it. It certainly isn't the hate he's convinced himself it is, but he can't admit that to himself. If he does admit that to himself then what does that mean?

That means that he's admitting to holding something other than animosity, and animosity definitely isn't what he's always felt towards Leo. There was a once a time when he felt something that was more like a warmth that slowly made it's way up through his chest and filled his body. It came from the fact that Leo used to always smile around him, and even now he does but he pushes it down.

He suffocates on it, his body rejects it.

He rejects it.

It's not his body, it's never been his body it's always been him.

So really, Arashi's dare was a blessing in disguise. Because it means that he can somehow figure out what this all is, and maybe even welcome whatever warmth he felt back into his life without having to suffocate it. All he has to do is make it seem like an act, and everyone knows he can act.

He's a model, he's well versed in posing and acting to show off what the public wants to see. He has certain sides of himself that few people get to see.

There are a lot of people he knows has a crush on him, and he can't hate Leo. Even though he left him to take charge of Knights, there's no way he could ever hate him as much as everyone makes it out to be.

Even his hate is just an act.

Everything people put out to the world is an act, isn't it?

He misses the familiarity he once had with Leo if he's being one hundred per cent honest with himself.

That's why he's so harsh on Leo, because if they get close then he'll see through everything. The carefully cultivated mask he's spent his whole high school life creating will be peeled off, slowly until he's naked and vulnerable to the world.

Leo's smart, he's a genius. And he knows whenever there's something being held from him. Which will only make everything hard, and Izumi knows that it's all fake. Everything he wants to do, its fake. Everyone knows that he knows that.

It's all fake, isn't it?

He doesn't even let himself question it but he does see his phone screen light up from where it's sitting on his bedside table. The message reading something he can barely make out considering that he's on the opposite side of the bed.

Fear and anxiety slowly mix together in his stomach, nausea settling in like it's made a permanent home. He ignores it because there's no reason for him to be feeling such a thing. He doesn't know why he would be feeling such a thing because this is something that people do in high school.

They joke around, they hurt each other and then suddenly everything's fine the next day. There are barely ever apologies but that doesn't necessarily matter, because at the end of the day everyone is close. If they're not close, then aren't they just friends?

His head is filled with words and unsureness, it's clanging against his skull. The ringing of it is inescapable and he tries his best to fall asleep but he can barely.

Even as he sleeps, it's restless and he has to hold himself back from curling up into a ball. Sleep takes over eventually, but it's plagued with brokenness. His dreams are empty and he feels the same thing as his dreams.

He walks into school the next day, his hands slightly shakey and breathing slightly off. He pretends that everything is normal, making sure his steps are cool, calm and calculated before. Just on time, Leo appears in the peripheral of his vision. He doesn't fasten his pace like he usually does but instead keeps it at the same speed so Leo can easily catch up to him.

Walking with Leo, it's nice. Izumi shouldn't admit that, but it is. It's a nice feeling to have someone walking next to you but he can't necessarily acknowledge that to its full extent, and the meaning behind such a thing is enough to make him squirm.

"Good morning!"

Leo's voice is cheery, and Izumi has to pretend not to notice how cute the shade of red Leo's cheeks have gone. He gives Leo a careful once over, trying to make this seem like the opposite of what he wants to do.

"Good morning to you."

He holds his tongue, stopping himself from saying anything else on the end. They'd once been close, childhood friends even, and he remembers even before Leo left they were close. But there's part of him that hasn't forgiven that.

There's part of him that can't forgive that.

He wants to stop himself, because why would he let himself do something this inhumane? He's cruel but he isn't that cruel...

People know him for being harsh, hurtful and someone brash. Doing this will only further that reputation...

But god, he wants to know what it's like.

"Leo-kun,"

He tries not to notice how Leo's eyes light up, the familiar name something that both had thought to be lost in memory.

"Would you want to go out for coffee? This doesn't mean I like you though, alright?"

Of course, Leo sees right through it.

And unfortunately, he falls for the act.

"Yes."

Izumi sees the rest of Knights leaning against the outside fence, their smiles wide.

Surely, Arashi knows that there's something else at play than this just being a dare...

* * *

“Ahh, this should go well.”

Arashi muses to herself, looking out the window from where she’s sitting in her classroom. She isn’t stupid, she’s perceptive despite the persona she puts forward. She just acts a certain way to appease the people around her.

That had been something that Izumi taught her to do, and it’s something that she can easily see through when it comes down to it. And she’s been able to tell that Izumi misses being close with Leo, and even missed him when he left and passed leadership to him. The two of them had once been close.

In honesty, the idea hadn’t even been Mika’s, it was hers, she just needed to tell everyone that she’d talked about this plan with another. She’s usually honest with Izumi, but he’s smart enough to see through this. It’s a sly ploy to hopefully fix everything between them because the group hasn’t at all been the same.

Leo has been as loud, boisterous and annoying as ever in a sweet way, though Izumi has been barely interacting with him. Leo probably thinks that they just aren’t attached to him anymore, but until he and Izumi are what they once were, or maybe even more, then they can never be what they once were as a unit.

All of them have noticed that their leaders are at odds, even if they won’t admit it to anyone.

The sun warms her face, and she smiles at the thought of everything finally coming together to be what it was. Once their two leaders finally start to get along, then hopefully everything will be brought back to balance.

But what she wants most is for Izumi to stop hurting, and maybe doing it this way will hurt him more in the end. But she knows that it is the only to get Izumi to attempt to get close to Leo again, and even from where she’d been watching his shoulders had been slightly less tensed. She’d even noticed that he’d almost reached out his hand to hold Leo’s.

It had been sweet and refreshing because then it means that there’s a chance for both of them to happy. There’s a chance for him to realise that he does care for Leo beyond their unit and group activities. Though it has to be on his terms, it can’t be anyone else’s because if someone points it out then he’ll just shut off and attempt to ignore it. Which isn’t exactly healthy, it doesn’t take a genius to figure that one out.

Though it’s Izumi’s way of showing he cares about his friends and others around him. He knows people much better than others think, he’s someone logical and careful in who he chooses to be around. And the fact that he chose to take on this ‘dare’ shows that he’s calculated that there’s something to gain from this.

“What’re ya thinkin about Narukami?”

Mika’s voice cuts through her thoughts, pulling her out of them. His voice drawing her back to reality from her deep introspection of her friend and mentor.

“Don’t worry about it, okay?”

There isn’t anything to worry about because she knows her group leaders. She may not know Leo as well as she knows Izumi but it’s obvious that he’s absolutely smitten. She can’t even blame him because Izumi even with his cold, harsh exterior is a catch.

She’s jealous of his skin especially considering that he seldom has flare-ups or anything along those lines. Though she’s learnt a lot from him and has always pestered him to share his secrets. He doesn’t share much about it which only dismays her but she’s easily been able to figure it out.

She’s been able to figure it out on her own though, she can’t let herself rely on everyone for everything. But she does owe Izumi a lot for mentoring her as a model, showing her the ropes at some points. Even if he’s unawares, she’s indebted to him for it so maybe this will even everything out.

From where she’s watching the tree branches outside begin to sway in the wind, moving slowly. The light glaring through the branches and eventually falling on the ground below, creating a mottled pattern. The shadow and light mixing together beautifully as they fall against the walkway that leads into Yumenosaki.

“Kay, but you ain’t doin’ anything stupid, are ya?”

Arashi lets out a small laugh at that, turning from the window. The warmth of the sun no longer touching her face, instead, she looks at Mika carefully.

“I’m offended you’d think such a thing; I’d never do anything stupid to hurt someone.”

“This entire plan seems stupid, but a’right, don’t come cryin’ to me.”

Mika walks away then and she has to resist the urge to poke her tongue out at him because that would just be immature. She has an image to uphold, even if she isn’t necessarily constantly trying to cater towards it, she can only do so much.

And if people find out about what she’s done then wouldn’t that reflect badly on her? Though there is a chance that everything will end badly, she doubts that either of them will let that happen because once they’re together they won’t let go.

Izumi needs someone to ground him again, to guide him and help him. And Leo needs someone to bring light into his life, to show him that everything is okay, to prove that there is a purpose.

It’s obvious to everyone that both of them are lost, mentally needing someone to guide them through their complex feelings and emotions. Arashi can’t be that neither can the other members because they have to air out their grievances.

It’s become apparent to everyone that both Izumi and Leo are lost, they need someone to help them find their way back. Even if there are people who don’t know that they’ve known each other since they were young, they can at least attempt to build onto that old relationship again. Because it used to be fun watching the two of them interact, but of course, everything had fallen when Leo had gone away.

It hadn’t just hurt Izumi, it had hurt her and all her fellow unit members because they lost their leader. They lashed out, pushing against him, almost rejecting him from the group when he came back. They’ve healed now, Arashi knows that she’s definitely healed, Tsukasa and Ritsu are more on the fence at the moment.

It hurt to watch them lose what was something that had drawn Knights so close together, what had been so beautiful had been lost. Izumi had taken charge, forever staying loyal to Leo’s wants and wishes, trying to run things to subscribe to what Leo’s vision would’ve been despite how much he hurt.

Her mind is far from the classroom, but this is where everything comes together. Now is where everything comes together, they just needed a push from someone to sort everything out. If they end up staying together or breaking up, it doesn’t matter, what really matters is that they finally come together as friends.

She just hopes that it’ll all turn out okay in the end.


	2. I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He doesn’t even realise his footsteps have grown faster. His thoughts are racing, over Leo Tsukinaga of all things and he hates it so much. He hates it because no one has ever made him feel this way, he hates Leo for making him feel this way. He isn’t supposed to bend to someone’s every beck and call, to follow them to the ends of the earth.
> 
> But here he is, standing outside his door wondering how in the hell he managed to learn his address when he’s only been there once or twice over the last few weeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for a later update!! i've been absolutely swamped with uni and commission work so please cut me some slack, I hope you can all enjoy !!!

Izumi’s tired, to say the least, but it’s not the bad kind of tired. It’s the type of tired that he feels when he’s performed to his best ability. The type of tired that sits with you for what feels like forever but he doesn’t mind it at all.

He doesn’t quite know how to sum up his experiences with Leo just yet. There’s been a lot of fumbling and confusion, Leo all too often calling him by familiar names when the two of them barely even have any semblance of closeness. But he doesn’t need that because he’s … had fun.

Curse him for thinking it, but he has. Leo is fun, and it makes him want to say the biggest fuck you because how is this fair?

He moves his hair out of his face as he walks home, he hadn’t seen Leo today for some reason, which is good because he doesn’t need extra time. Extra time means more on his conscience and he isn’t quite sure he can deal with that. He already feels guilty enough about everything.

It’s killing him.

His phone goes off, pulling him immediately out of his thoughts. Leo’s phone number is flashing across the screen. He slides his finger across after it rings twice, putting it up to his ear carefully, though not too close in case Leo immediately starts shouting as soon as he picks up the phone.

“Come over~ I have a new song!”

“Is that why you didn’t come to class, Ou-sama?”

His steps pause right then. He almost drops his phone, he attempts to brush it off as nothing but he can practically hear Leo on the other end of the line. Something’s shifted, and Izumi feels like he just bared his entire soul in less than thirty seconds. 

Coldness rushes over him, and he doesn’t know why, but his immediate reaction is to turn his phone off and throw it into his pocket. It’s been too long since he’s let those words leave his mouth, let himself call Leo _that._

There was an oath he swore, an oath to his king but hadn’t his king abandoned him, and left him behind for good? To run Knights’ into the ground and tarnish their reputation to the point where it can no longer be fixed. He destroyed Knights because his king left. 

_ What type of king leaves their knights behind? _

The incessant buzzing of his phone in his pocket goes ignored as he walks back towards his own home. As he begins to walk he finds that the air is cool against his skin, the breeze is light and gentle. There’s a rustling coming from the trees around him. There’s nothing much going on as he walks home, but he observes.

He observes as people walk by, couples holding hands and laughing together. Children holding their parents' hands and middle schoolers fussing over someone’s phone. There’s a part of him that misses that part of everything, but he’d always been someone deemed as cold and harsh.

_ If you aren’t what people think, then why’d you do this? _

_ _

He ignores the nagging voice in the back of his head. He stops in his path, realising that his phone has been vibrating for what feels like the last ten minutes in the back of his pocket. He’s tempted to send Leo to voicemail or put it on do not disturb because wouldn’t that be easier than addressing what just happened. 

He slides his finger across the screen tentatively though, ignoring every thought in his head telling him to let the call go to his voicemail. 

“Uwahh~ Did Sena just call me Ou-Sama again?”

He hates that he feels heat rushing into his cheeks. It makes him want to throw up because this isn’t okay, he doesn’t understand it. How can something have such an effect on him when it’s just a name?

“You didn’t hear anything, idiot.”

It even sounds fake to him, but he hopes it’s enough.

“Sena called me Ou-Sama! Am I finally your king again Sena? Am I worthy again?”

“No.”

_ Yes. _

_ _

“That’s not fair! You can’t call me that and then go back on your word.”

“I didn’t go back on anything- “

He has to stop himself from saying it again because it just rolls off of his tongue. It rolls off perfectly and Leo calling him Sena again of all things…

It’s enough to send his heart racing and make his throat close up.

He doesn’t even realise his footsteps have grown faster. His thoughts are racing, over Leo Tsukinaga of all things and he hates it so much. He hates it because no one has ever made him feel this way, he hates Leo for making him feel this way. He isn’t supposed to bend to someone’s every beck and call, to follow them to the ends of the earth.

But here he is, standing outside his door wondering how in the hell he managed to learn his address when he’s only been there once or twice over the last few weeks. 

“Don’t leave me out here you idiot.”

The phone’s hung up almost immediately, he hears someone crashing through the house. He doesn’t hear what’s exactly said as Leo scrambles to open the front door. When he does Izumi’s almost taken aback by how his eyes seem to glow in the sunlight. 

Without reservation, Leo grabs his hand and pulls him inside. As they run through the house he notices Leo’s little sister, Ruka, who he’s met a handful of times. He’s also seen her at Knights lives which is how he recognises her, she’s always there to cheer on her older brother’s unit. Even when he wasn’t there, she was.

_ Where were you when I needed you… _

_ _

Leo stumbles over himself as he closes the door behind him, and Izumi looks around his room. Piles upon piles of notebooks are lying on his desk, filled with papers that make them look like they’re about to break at their bindings. He knows that some of them are filled with drawings and sketches of things that Leo sees as inspiration. Most of them though are just filled with song lyrics upon song lyrics.

Even though he hates Leo for everything he’s done to him, for making him run his beloved unit into the ground, he can still see him as a genius. Leo’s songs are a weapon, something that can be used to their advantage to win over any other unit. Leo is what makes Knights, Knights, he’s their heart and soul.

He hates it.

Leo throws himself into his chair, immediately swivelling to sit in front of his computer. His eyes turning away from Izumi, his gaze no longer piercing through him. Instead, his eyes and focus have been moved to his computer where Izumi knows his new song sits, waiting for a voice to be given to it. He finds himself sitting down on Leo’s bed. His knuckles white where he’s gripping onto the very edge. Leo doesn’t even ask to play the song, he simply presses the play button and suddenly the room is filled with sounds that bounce off of the walls. 

They mix almost perfectly, creating a song that is all too familiar but also completely foreign all at once. The lamp on Leo’s desk is on, illuminating his skin and he doesn’t know how someone can look good in such awful lighting. The thought is one that he didn’t expect to have, but he doesn’t let it phase him and lets it pass.

You can find the people you hate attractive. 

That’s what he knows at least because it explains a lot. Also, he isn’t usually someone to be stupidly touchy-feely, he knows that personal space exists and to completely disregard such a thing is utterly stupid. He doesn’t know how someone like Leo has gotten so far through life without actually being scolded for such a thing. If he was to ever do something like that…

It would be completely inappropriate and unprecedented. 

His fingers slowly tap against his thigh as he begins to move his head, swaying it slowly to the beat of the song. Again, Leo has done something completely magical with his music. It doesn’t surprise him, nor does it shock him. Leo is a genius, everyone knows that. 

“What do you think, Sena?”

Izumi feels his mouth go dry at the question because he has no clue how to answer. For the first time since they’ve been ‘together,’ Leo’s eyes are filled with something other than light-heartedness. They’re filled with determination; determination to restore Knights to their glory days and Izumi feels dizzy. 

“You already know what I think,”

There’s something else that Leo’s searching for. Izumi knows it, and it’s on the tip of his tongue but he can barely process letting himself go like that because it’s … too much. It’s too much for him because as soon as he lets himself go like that he loses all control.

He becomes vulnerable.

“I wrote this filled with hope that we can restore Knights to greatness. But Sena…I have to be honest with you…”

Izumi’s breathing stops, and he’s wrapped in the moment. He’s caught between his feelings, unsure and afraid. There’s a part of him that’s just confused because hate isn’t there. He doesn’t feel disdain towards him. There’s nothing there for him to grip to. He’s dangling from a ledge, a dangerous ledge and if he falls he has no idea what he’s going to do because he’ll lose himself. 

He’s already this close to falling, he knows that.

“I wrote this to bring back whatever trust you had in me, Sena.”

As Izumi looks up, he sees Leo’s eyes glowing. His hands are gripping the arms of his chair rather tightly, and his knees are bumping up and down. There’s something about him that feels different, the air surrounding them becoming thick with emotion. It suffocates him, pulling him down under

“I have trust in you, you idiot.”

The words lie heavy on his tongue, making his stomach feel like lead. They’re lies, there’s no feeling, no substance. He tries to convince himself of that, but if that’s true then why does he feel guilt towards their impending doom?

Leo meets his gaze then, looking Izumi right in the eyes. He feels his stomach drop because he forgot how intense Leo is. He forgot how it is to actually look into his eyes, get lost in his gaze. It’s consuming him, and when he finally breaks out into a smile, relief floods through him. Leo has trust in him which means he has no way to know that this is all a ruse.

Taken aback, Izumi watches carefully, as Leo gets off from where he’s sitting at his desk. His hands reaching forward to run through Izumi’s hair as he stands above him. He pretends to hate it, trying to wrestle his arms away from him. His hands grappling for Leo’s wrist, who just keeps moving. His fingers tangling in his hair, his hands oddly calming. He lets out a sigh, his arms and wrists relax and he just lets himself lean into it.

He wishes he didn’t though because he shouldn’t find this much solace in another. Not when everyone’s left him alone. Leo lifts his hand from where it’s been sitting on his head, moving to sit next to him. Their hands lay on the edge of the bed, Izumi notices that he isn’t gripping onto the sheets anymore as if they’re his lifeline. Instead, he can feel nerves shooting through him and his heart racing. 

They’re so close to each other, he could reach over and just hold Leo’s hand. It could be the other way around for once. He doesn’t though, he holds himself back because he isn’t doing this for a relationship. He’s doing it to get a kick out of something, Arashi may have been the person to suggest it to him, but he can still have fun doing it. 

He finds his eyes fixated on a pile of clothes that have been left on the ground for no reason. His thoughts crowding themselves together in his head. He realises that there’s a twisted part of him that wants to hurt Leo. There’s part of him that makes him want to make Leo feel as lost as he did when he was handed Knights. 

Neither of them move their hands, both eagerly looking downwards waiting for the other to make the move. Izumi knows that Leo is slowly learning that he isn’t one hundred per-cent alright with being manhandled and thrown around everywhere. Maybe that’s where he got the idea that Izumi doesn’t like being touched…

But usually, he doesn’t care? So he has to wonder what’s different now.

_ Ah… _

It hits him that Leo’s waiting for him to move, to take control for once. Instinctively, he decides to stand up, not letting anything happen between them. It’s different when physical contact is initiated by Leo instead of himself because then it’s warm. It’s warm and genuine, and Izumi is cold and deceiving. 

The two of them are polar opposites, their intentions reflect that. The fact that Leo doesn’t know that yet is absurd because it should be obvious. But also, he’s always the person that thinks the best of people. It’s enviable, a trait that Izumi wishes he had because all he does is think of himself. The first move isn’t something that he can let himself make because that’s a leap of faith, and it scares him.

Warmth surrounds his hand, but it feels almost empty. He can tell that Leo’s holding onto it for no reason, and his body almost sags in the corner of his vision. He doesn’t let himself acknowledge it. Even though he doesn’t, guilt still leaks in through the cracks of his thoughts. He still turns to Leo, despite the cracks in his façade and smiles. 

It’s like watching the sun pierce through clouds when Leo smiles back at him, his eyes glittering and hand tightening around his. It hurts to see, it hurts to watch. Without even asking Leo leans forward into him, and presses his lips against his in a quick peck.

It’s pure, sweet and innocent. Izumi can only look at Leo in what he knows is disbelief. Neither of them had attempted to do something like that just because … kisses seal everything. They’re a promise, well that’s what Izumi thinks. 

He can’t make a promise that he’s going to break. 

There’s really only one promise he’s broken. Even thinking about it is enough for him to feel himself become unhinged. It only darts through his mind for less than a second, and then all his attention goes back to Leo. Because Leo may not make him forget, but at least he gives him a distraction for the time being. 

“Sorry Sena, but I just had to! You look so cute!”

“Shut up.”

He doesn’t let himself slip up, no matter how much he wants to call Leo _ou-sama_ again. If he does then that’ll just send him further and further off of a ledge. It changes everything again, and there’s been too much change. 

It’s overwhelming, and he finds his mind reeling. His hand tightening around Leo’s unintentionally as he attempts to find his bearings; to cling onto something. If he has something to cling to he won’t fall, he can’t fall. It’s almost as if he has tunnel vision, remembering everything that happened over the last year since Leo had left him. 

None of that would’ve happened if Leo had just been there. He may be cruel for this, but Leo is just as cruel. So why should he feel guilt or pity? Why did Leo kiss him? They never talked about anything like that, they never set down any ground rules.

Izumi doesn’t give a fuck about ground rules right now. He doesn’t know why, or who he’s upset at but he’s upset at someone. He’s upset at being forced into this, to be with the one person he hates more than anything because Leo isn’t good enough for him. Maybe once upon a time, he was, but right now, as he looks at his ‘boyfriend,’ he realises that he really could do better.

He and Leo, what they have is fake. He’s fake because whilst Leo makes him feel warm and happy inside, he can imagine himself with someone who is much more deserving of his affections. That isn’t a bad thing, it just means that once this is over he’ll be with someone who actually knows how to keep their word. They’d also be someone much prettier, someone, who knows how to look after their appearance. They’d also compliment Izumi rather than clash with him at the end of everything. 

“What are you thinking about?”

Izumi hadn’t even realised he’d closed his eyes in an attempt to put himself into another situation or to remove himself from this one. Either way, it makes sense, and he finds himself stumped because he has no clue how he’s going to answer this.

“Nothing, don’t worry about it.”

For some reason, Leo’s face lights up. His eyes going wide, and lips stretch into a smile. His cheeks are flushed as well.

_ What the fuck? _

_ _

“Were you thinking about me?”

“No, geez, you’re an idiot.”

It’s only a half-lie though because he had been thinking about Leo. He’d been thinking about everything that makes his blood boil in the wrong type of way. His trusting nature and easy belief in the good that’s in other people’s hearts. There’s the way he always looks at Izumi as if he holds the world in his hands.

Why does he do that?

“But I’m your idiot!”

Izumi just rolls his eyes before pushing his bangs out of his face. He’s half tempted to stand up and leave. He sort of just wants to go home, rest and hide away from Leo. 

“Yeah…You’re my stupid king.”

It’s that familiarity, that warmth that he misses. He misses letting himself go like that around Leo, being able to call him that. But Leo isn’t his king anymore, he hasn’t been for a long time. It would be better for both of them if they just…

Let it go.

* * *

He’d spent more time than anticipated at Leo’s, having run into Ruka on the way out. He’d even just missed his parents. Their car had pulled into the driveway just as he’d walked over onto the other side of the street.

As he looks up at the ceiling in his bedroom, leafing through a book he’s barely paying attention to he finds his mind drifting. It doesn’t get to go too far because pulling him out of the empty plotline and flat characters is his phone blaring. He groans as he reaches over to the other side of his bed, his fingers fumbling for his phone.

Once…Twice…He picks up just before it rings a third time. He sees the name and photo glaring from the screen. It’s enough to make him grimace, but he picks up anyways because it would be rude not to. There’s no other reason for it.

“What do you want?”

“Secchan, you really need to work on your greetings, I’m quite hurt.”

Arashi’s voice breaks through the static, high pitched against his ears. It’s welcome because for once it’s someone he doesn’t mind talking to. Sure, talking about feelings and emotions is as unwelcome as ever, but if he’s going to do it with someone. It’ll be Arashi.

“Uh-huh, sure you are, so now actually tell me why you’re calling I was actually reading a good book for once.”

A quiet laugh comes from the other side of the line. Arashi obviously doesn’t believe him for shit. He doesn’t blame her, he’s not always the most convincing person. He puts his book down, letting it lie on his chest. The pages still open and spine bent as he holds the phone to his ear.

He moves his hand so it’s now supporting his head, and lifts the other into the air.

“Sure you were, but anyways, how’s it going with Ou-Sama!”

“Why do you want to know? Also don’t call him that, he’s not a king.”

“Woah, that’s harsh even for you…”

_He deserves it._

Izumi doesn’t comment on that, letting the words slide by him. They pile up with everything else people have called him. He’s right, he knows it and so does almost everyone else because Leo isn’t a king.

What kind of king leaves his knights behind for so long?

“It’s not harsh if it’s true,” he takes a breath before starting to talk again, “I don’t think he knows anything about what’s going on but I can’t be sure. Also for some reason, he made the decision to kiss me today and oh god, it was awful.”

It really wasn’t, it just sort of put things into perspective. It made him realise that this whole thing is doomed, that Leo won’t stay with him. Which is good, since he’s planning to break up with Leo in a few weeks anyway. There’s no point in even entertaining the idea of staying together because it’s absolutely abhorrent to him.

“What?! he KISSED you?”

“Keep it down for fuck’s sake, and yes, he kissed me, okay?”

“Was there tongue?”

“It wasn’t that kind of kiss,” Izumi finds himself stammering over his words, trying to find out why he feels like a schoolgirl who’s just talked to her crush for the first time. “It was just a peck, nothing too risqué.”

“Aww, I was hoping for something a bit…”

“Hotter?”

“Don’t be so lewd!” Arashi speaks up again, and he can practically hear the mirth in her voice. “Well actually yes.”

He groans at that, covering his head with his pillow. He doesn’t necessarily want to listen to Arashi but he knows he can’t stop her from talking. If he hangs up she’ll just call again so it’s either he suffers through this, or he goes through it tomorrow at school.

It makes more sense to just go through it now. She’s the type who always likes to know what’s going on, and it definitely hasn’t changed now that he took her up on this stupid dare.

He moves the pillow down from his face and just hugs it with one arm, holding it atop his chest. His eyes stuck on the ceiling of his bedroom again.

“Nothing more is going to happen, I know that.”

“And how do you know that?”

It’s as if he’s short-circuited. He does know that nothing else will happen because he plans on breaking Leo’s heart. He plans on throwing him away just like he did to Izumi. He knows because he won’t let anything happen between them that could even lead to an actual relationship. He hates Leo more than anything, so why would he date him?

“Because I hate him.”

“Is it because he left?”

“Oh wow, I don’t know Arashi,” he has to take a breath to calm himself. He’s getting choked up on his own words. “I really don’t.”

“No need to be sarcastic it was just a question, Secchan.”

He has half a mind to hang up on her. He doesn’t want to talk about this, how much it stung when he was left behind without an explanation. He doesn’t want to think about how every day he just begged for even a ‘hello’ or ‘I’m okay.’

His knuckles are white from where they’re holding onto the pillow. He swears he’s about to break his phone in two. It stung when he was left behind because it wasn’t the first time, it wasn’t the first time he was left alone because there was someone else.

“Just. Don’t.”

His voice is strangely empty, it isn’t how he usually talks to Arashi at all. He’d rather it be empty than filled with unprecedented emotion because none of it is targeted towards her. It’s targeted towards Leo.

“Okay, okay, I won’t.”

“Thank you.”

“So now, tell me more about this kiss, Secchan.”

Arashi is quick to change the topic only slightly, but it’s enough for him. It’s enough for him to anchor himself into this reality and not a past one.

“I already told you, it was awful.”

There’s part of him begging him to just say the truth because it wasn’t. If he’s being honest with himself it wasn’t awful in the slightest. It was sweet and pure…everything Izumi wishes he was but he’s none of those. If he was those things he’d be with Leo fully, wholeheartedly. He’d be with him without even thinking of the end, of his revenge.

“How’d it happen?”

“Well,” Izumi hates that his cheeks are flooded with warmth as he thinks of how they’d been sitting in Leo’s bedroom. His music playing over the speakers, songs that were written for Knights – songs written for _him. _“We were in his bedroom because he wanted to show me some of the music he’d written for us, it was sickeningly sweet. He even wrote me a song, can you believe it?”

“He wrote you a song?”

Arashi sounds like she’s caught in the throes of disbelief. He grimaces at it because it was just too much, and it was something that he never expected.

“Well he disguised it by saying that he’d written something for us, but yes…he wrote a song for me. He thought it could get my forgiveness or whatever the fuck.”

“You have to admit, Secchan, that’s oddly sweet, don’t you think?”

_Yeah, it is._

“Disgustingly sweet, it was overwhelming and gushy.”

“Leo's really romantic then, huh?”

Izumi stops again, not wanting to think about that. Not wanting to think about how kind Leo’s been to him as a partner since they’ve been together. He’s been overly sweet, kind, caring; Izumi had never asked for that. Nor had it been something wanted, Leo’s affections are similar to that of the teenage girls that support Knights.

Pointless flattery, there’ll be nothing that comes from it.

“And that’s his own problem.”

Arashi sighs on the other line, Izumi can practically see her shaking her head. The two of them whilst they’re rather close friends, are rather different when it comes down to things in the very end.

“How so?”

“It means he’ll only get hurt in the end, dumbass.”

Arashi pauses then before taking a breath. For some reason, Izumi has a bad feeling about what she’s going to say next. The grip he has on his pillow tightens again, his teeth digging into his bottom lip as he waits for her to say something.

“Ou-Sama’s trying, Secchan, why don’t you afford the same effort?”

“_What?!”_

That’s a ridiculous thing, he can barely initiate anything between them. He can barely do anything around Leo because he becomes so overwhelmed with something. Trying, putting in effort to this ‘relationship’ is completely pointless.

The pillow falls from his arms onto the ground, his hand reaching up to pinch the bridge of his nose.

“He’d love it, Secchan, and you have to admit that you’re rather bad at opening up to other people, it’ll be good practice for you!”

How Arashi sounds so excitable, he has no clue. He also knows that she’s not an idiot, she probably knows at least half the reason that he refuses to initiate anything. He sighs then, sitting up in bed and finding his vision fixed on one spot on the wall. His fingers pulling at the sleeve of an old, worn-out jumper that has become what he wears to bed every night.

“Uh-huh, I’m gonna go I have to get eight hours of sleep or my skin will turn to shit, yours will too if you don’t rest soon.”

“Okay, okay I’ll rest soon, goodnight Secchan.”

“Goodnight.”

Silence then takes over again. His phone left next to him wrapped in the covers, the screen glowing, casting light in the darkness of his bedroom. He ignores how the conversation had felt. Opening up to people seems impossible, and choosing to open up to Leo over everyone else in his life seems completely ridiculous.

There are books piled up next to his bed, old magazines with pages torn out lying in the corner of his bedroom. He should clean them up but there’s part of him that always tells him not to. He shouldn’t need to clean up because everything has value to him, and he can’t throw everything away. People would be shocked to see that his bedroom is a mess, he wouldn’t call it that but he’s definitely heard his parents say that.

Again, he finds the darkness of his bedroom to be his worst enemy. It only brings out the worst in his thoughts. He can barely make out himself as he runs through his thoughts, Arashi’s words ricocheting off of the walls as he attempts to process them. Quickly though, they all blur together.

He lies back down in bed, picking up his phone. He places it on the bedside table, attempting to wash everything out of his mind he finds himself humming along to Leo’s song. It’s melody soothing him, soothing his thoughts. It drowns everything out as he imagines the instrumentals in his head.

Song is the one thing that makes him feel at home no matter where he is. His unit members as well, but when he graduates they’ll be gone and grow to be but a distant memory. He’ll lose his members, but they’ll always share Leo’s music. He’ll always have Leo’s music in his heart which is poetic.

Artists want to be remembered for their genius, he understands that. He may hate Leo, but his genius deserves to be immortalised at the end of the day. That’s what he thinks, and the thought slips away as he’s swept into sleep by the song playing in his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please remember that comments and kudos are like sun is to plants for authors loves !! leave something below to tell me what you thought uwu


	3. II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Are you ashamed of me?”
> 
> As soon as the words are out of his mouth, Leo clasps his hands in front of his mouth. Izumi looks back at him, his face is unreadable. Which is scary, it’s scary because, for the first time since they were first-years, Leo can’t see what Izumi’s hiding. The silence between them slowly begins to gain weight, pushing down on them and it feels as if they’re underwater.

Dating Izumi Sena is different from what anyone would expect. Leo knows that most people upon starting a courtship would at least attempt to be somewhat sweeter, but for some reason, Izumi’s barely changed. Of course, he’s kinder to him. There’s an underlying sweetness to each of his actions. Though as he sits on his bed, he finds himself looking at the ceiling of his bedroom. His hand reaching up to grab at only nothing, and that’s what the last few weeks have felt like. They’ve felt almost too good, it feels almost like it’s too textbook. The way that Izumi grumbles about being at his every beck and call…

But he trusts him. He trusts his boyfriend more than anyone right now because they’re supposed to be. There’s a part of him, part of him that’s just filled with anxiety and fear, because this is the first time, he’s ever let himself be completely vulnerable around someone. The first time he feels like he’s started to let his guard down. Moonlight is peaking through the window, and he notices that it’s brighter than he’s seen for a while. It’s pretty he thinks, it’s pretty and white; almost blinding in a way. It casts an odd light on his room, shadows creeping up his walls as if they’re alive and listening to his thoughts. For some reason Leo feels the need to talk to them like they are as well, which would be hilarious.

Talking shadows…maybe that could be interesting to write a song about?

Within seconds there’s a notebook and pencil in his hand. He doesn’t bother turning on the lamp sitting next to his bed, his anxieties slowly melting away. The shadows around him mimicking his actions, his own showing him hunched over but only on a larger scale. His walls are covered in inspiration, but not only does he let himself write about his surroundings. He finds everything being channelled into the one song.

It’s genius, he knows it is. If Izumi could see how he was hunched in bed scribbling, he can imagine the berating he’d get for it since he isn’t ‘taking care of himself’ or whatever. He’s taking care of himself through nurturing his genius. Everyone does it, so why is it any different when he’s doing it? He has to feed his genius every day or it’ll just fall away and turn into nothing. Then his precious knights will have no weapons to wield in battle, and what kind of king leaves his knights without weapons?

A bad king and Leo isn’t a bad king. He’s a good king, well, he’s trying to be a good king. His knights have faith in him, all of them, but there’s something unspoken. As if it’s something only the reflection of the moon and the shadows of the night know…

As soon as he looks down at the paper to see poorly scrawled writing, he has the instinct to reach for his phone. And he does, the screen is set to its lowest brightness possible, but it still illuminates his face in a bluish light. Immediately his fingers move to find Izumi’s contact. As he’s about to call him for the second time that day he stops. This is stupid, this whole idea is stupid. Calling Izumi and one in the morning to talk about shadows and the moonlight, and the way he wishes he could sing this to him seems ridiculous. Not only would Izumi berate him for not taking care of himself, but he’d also get upset because he needs his beauty sleep. 

But even without sleep Izumi’s beautiful, Izumi’s always beautiful. Countless women are begging for his affections and those who pay to see his spreads in magazines and photobooks. So many people think that he’s beautiful, and Leo has to wonder if Izumi knows that he’s beautiful. Instead of calling, Leo sends a message to his boyfriend. One that seems stupid to send, and cheesy but it’s nearly two in the morning. He doesn’t care that they have school tomorrow, and he doesn’t care that he probably won’t get a reply, he just has the need to say … something.

** _To: Sena_ **

** **

_I hope you know that you’re beautiful, Sena. _

It goes unread, and he pretends it doesn’t hurt. Izumi is distant for no reason, he doesn’t even know why. He still acts as if there’s something wrong between them. Leo knows that he’s just cautious around others, he doesn’t like letting people see his vulnerability. His phone screen dulls, and he just lays it on top of his bedside table. He carefully places his notebook in the drawer, it creates a small grating sound as it opens. Wood brushing against wood, it isn’t a pleasant sound. He settles down in bed, his sheets rustling against each other. As he tries to sleep, he finds his anxieties coming back to prey on him. The only thought making it seem a little bit better is the knowledge that Izumi wouldn’t hurt him. 

Instinctively the first thing that Leo does when he wakes up to the sound of his alarm is reach for his phone. Quick to press the snooze button. As he squints at the bright screen he sees a message from someone. As soon as he reads the name it’s like he’s had an adrenaline shop, his eyes immediately widen. He doesn’t care about the cold air against his exposed skin as he hunches over the small device that seems to hold a bit too much power over him.

** _From: Sena_ **

** **

_You must be delusional, ou-sama._

The response is enough to get him to let out a laugh. He reaches up his hand to clasp over his mouth. He’s not surprised at the response considering it’s so refreshing to know that Izumi cares enough to respond, even if it’s dismissive of his compliment. He quickly types out his own reply before getting out of bed.

** _To: Sena_ **

** **

_I’m far from delusional. _

He leaves his phone on his bedside table as he gets dressed, his uniform in a pile on the floor as he’d forgotten to hang it up last night. It doesn’t look too crinkled as he looks at himself in the mirror, he quickly fixes his hair though considering that it had fallen out of his braid from yesterday. It doesn’t look any neater, but at least it looks somewhat more cleaned up now. He doesn’t even say good morning to his mother and father as he runs by them, considering that he’s almost late for school.

As he gets to Yumenosaki he notices that his phone isn’t his pocket. He doesn’t make a big deal of it as he walks to his classroom, he doesn’t notice that Izumi’s missing from his classroom when he walks by. 

The morning crawls by, and it feels like it goes on forever. Leo isn’t paying attention throughout his classes, his eyes focussed on the clouds in the very distance. He also notices his fingers tapping against the top of the table, creating a possible beat for his new song. The school bell plays through the halls, snapping him back into reality. He hadn’t even realised that the day had progressed so fast. Other students come into their classroom, he begins to stand up to go get a drink from one of the vending machines outside the classrooms. He’s whistling to himself as he walks through the halls, his eyes closed meaning he doesn’t see the man leaning against the wall next to the door to his classroom. Suddenly, he feels a tugging on the collar of his shirt. He stops in his track, his eyes opening. Slowly, he’s lifted further and further off of the ground.

His feet are still moving as he struggles to get out, and then he realises that he can just take his blazer off. He does just that, his arms moving through the sleeves faster than he thought they would. As soon as he ends up on the ground, he turns around ready to give whoever stopped him from getting his sweets a piece of his mind. Only to see blue eyes and grey hair.

“Sena! Why’d you do that huh? That’s not fair.”

“I was late to school because of you, I went to pick you up and texted you saying I was there but your mother opened the door and said that you’d already left.”

Leo feels stupid under Izumi’s gaze as it hardens, his eyes seeming unforgiving. Though he relies on a softness that he knows is there. People wouldn’t believe him when he says that, considering how Izumi tends to act around others. The only person who’s probably seen that side of him is Arashi, and they don’t even talk that much anymore…

Everything had fallen apart when he’d come back as Knights’ leader. He doesn’t like how everything seems to have changed, but he can’t say that he doesn’t deserve it. Not when he knows about how Izumi tends to be reliant on those around him to be pillars of support, he’d already lost Makoto…though they don’t talk about him as much. 

Yuuki Makoto is a forbidden topic amongst Knights, especially after the DDD…

“I uh-“

Izumi just looks away from him, folding his hands across his chest. He sighs before looking back at Leo.

“You what?”

“I left my phone at home…”

“You what?”

“My phone…It’s at home…”

The look on Izumi’s face is one that Leo really wishes he could take a photo of. His eyes are narrowed and his mouth slightly open.

“God, you’re dumb for a king.”

He smiles then, letting relief overcome him because hearing Izumi call him that is reaffirming. It makes warmth spread through his entire body, because when Izumi calls him that he knows that it’s all going to be okay, no matter how big or small an issue is. 

“That’s why I have my knight, always at my side.”

Of course, though, there’s still a lot to be spoken about. Leo still doesn’t know why Izumi had ended up wanting to be with him, because there hadn’t been any indication of it. He isn’t stupid, he can tell that there’s at least something off. Izumi’s never this closed off around him, sure he’s like this around most but he can usually pierce through his mask. It’s all different this time for some reason, and he can’t get through to see what he’s hiding. 

“If you need protection, that makes you a damsel in distress, not a king.”

Leo can only watch as Izumi turns around, walking back to his classroom. Quickly, Leo runs from where he’s standing outside his own classroom to jump onto Izumi’s back. The other is shocked but is quick to catch him, his hands clasping around Leo’s legs. Without questioning it, Izumi begins to run through the halls. Eventually, the two of them get outside. Leo is laughing out loud, his smile wide enough that his cheeks hurt. It may not seem like they’re moving fast, but Izumi is stronger than he looks.

They’re sitting in an old shed, that sits behind the tennis courts. It’s worn down and it smells musty, he can see that there are old broken tennis rackets and deflated tennis balls. Leo notices that Izumi’s eyebrow twitches ever so slightly. They both know that he isn’t exactly a neat freak, he’s more worried about how the dirt around him could easily find a resting place on his face. It’s silly, but Leo knows that’s probably what Izumi’s thinking considering he’s a model.

“Guess you’re my noble stead instead of a knight.”

Izumi shoots him a glare from where he’s standing, his breathing slightly heavier. His hands are on his knees, and his face is slightly flushed. Leo will admit that Izumi always looks cute, but he especially looks cute with flushed cheeks. It’s enough to make his heart race in his chest. There isn’t a reply like he expects, instead, he just watches as Izumi slowly collects himself. He brushes himself off, looking more at his uniform than at Leo. It’s as if he’s ashamed to even be around him.

“Are you ashamed of me?”

As soon as the words are out of his mouth, Leo clasps his hands in front of his mouth. Izumi looks back at him, his face is unreadable. Which is scary, it’s scary because, for the first time since they were first-years, Leo can’t see what Izumi’s hiding. The silence between them slowly begins to gain weight, pushing down on them and it feels as if they’re underwater. 

He doesn’t even know if he wants to hear the answer or not, because how can he trust Izumi when he’s closed himself off. His own words play in his head, the message he’d sent in a tired daze hovering over his head because he feels like nothing more than an idiot. Because depending on how this is answered, Izumi won’t be beautiful anymore and everything that he’s heard is true.

He knows it isn’t, it can’t be true.

But the way that Izumi’s just been staring at him, not saying anything…the silence speaks for itself.

“Why would I be?”

It’s weak, but it’s something. Leo wants to reach for it so badly, to hold onto it and never let go. But it’s just bait, and his gut feeling is telling him not to believe it. His heart is telling him otherwise, and shouldn’t he trust his heart? 

“Because you seem to want to be anywhere but with me, I know you, and I don’t want to have to believe every single narrative about you. I’ve stood by you as your king, your leader and friend ever since we were first years. And I’ve loved every second of this relationship, but I can’t pretend I’m happy when I know it seems like there’s something else that you’d rather be doing.”

Leo can’t feel hot tears making their way down his cheeks, he can’t feel warmth in his cheeks. There’s no sadness in his chest as he pours everything out in front of the one person he thought he could trust. A king shouldn’t fall though, so he stays standing, and he makes himself meet Izumi’s gaze.

“If you’re serious about this, Sena, kiss me like you mean it.”

He expects for Izumi to turn and walk out, leave him there with nothing. But instead, the opposite happens, he surges forward. His body shaking, and his arms wrap around Leo. He holds him then, pulling him in closer. His head is buried in his neck, and Leo can only reach up to run his hands through Izumi’s hair. 

There are words being said, but he’s talking to himself. It isn’t loud enough for Leo to hear, and he can feel tears slowly wetting his uniform collar. And when Izumi pulls away, he does kiss Leo and it’s…he doesn’t know how to explain it. He wants to say that it feels pitiful, apologetic but all he can taste is the salt of tears. His heart is heavy and light at the same time, and it feels like his stomach is doing backflips. 

It’s real, it’s real and broken. It’s complicated, and when Izumi pulls away his eyes look glassy and shattered. Izumi’s shattered and broken in so many ways, and Leo knows that. He isn’t any better, not when it takes him hours to get out of bed. Not when he can barely get dressed each morning…

“Was that real enough for you?”

Izumi’s voice is rough, and Leo doesn’t know how to respond. Because he’d expected anything but that. But he notices now that Izumi’s let his guard down that he looks almost defeated in a sense, tiredness leaking from him. And not just from the physical exertion of running across campus with Leo on his back. 

He’s tired emotionally, his eyes telling him something now that he’s finally decided to bare himself in a way that Leo is sure neither of them were ready for. He smiles softly, he doesn’t lean in for a kiss again but instead presses their foreheads together. His arms wrapped around Izumi’s neck, and Izumi’s arms are wrapped around his waist. It’s nice to be held like this, to be babied, to feel the warmth of someone else holding onto you.

“You didn’t answer me…”

With that, Leo smiles again, forgetting the fact that he’d been crying only five minutes ago. He closes his eyes, as he nods, letting out a sigh.

“I think you’ll have to kiss me like that all the time now.”

Izumi pulls away immediately, letting out a groan. Leo begins to laugh again, loud and boisterous as it fills the shed. Replacing the heavy silence that had fallen between the couple earlier, and it feels right. It feels like everything is back to how it should be.

* * *

Everything seems to be alright now, not one hundred percent okay but it definitely seems like it’s going better than he expected. Izumi’s changed in how he acts, he’s not more assertive but he’s just…changed. His demeanour is different, there’s something more between them. He’s even taking to walking him to and from classes each day, which is endearing.

Leo tries his best not to forget his phone anymore to keep repeats from happening since Izumi doesn’t particularly like being late to class. It also will keep subtle misunderstandings from happening. Whilst everything that happened in the shed helped them be more comfortable around each other, it had felt like it was too exposing. Little John is lying on his lap, his purrs soft and almost undetectable. There’s a lot that runs through his mind as he looks through the window of his room, his back rested against the wall. One of his notebooks lying opened on a blank page in front of him.

Instead of getting to writing a song, he sees his phone out of the corner of his eye illuminating the room. He reaches forward, Little John toppling off of him and letting out a frustrated mewl.

“Sorry Little John! It could be Sena!”

And he’s shocked to see that it is because Izumi never calls him. He never takes the time to call him, usually, it’s short texts with dry responses. He’s staring at the phone for so long he nearly forgets to actually pick up the phone. He slides his finger across the screen, almost dropping it in the process. 

The first thing he hears though isn’t Izumi’s voice. It’s rough sobs and whines, he feels like his heart’s stopped.

“S-Sena?”

He makes sure to keep his voice low and soft, trying his best to sound as calming as possible. He tries to ignore the worry that’s clouding his head, the worst-case scenarios that are nesting themselves in his head.

“F-Fuck, wrong number.”

It stings, and he nearly hangs up. He has half a mind to throw his phone across the room and into a wall. But he doesn’t because even if Izumi had accidentally pressed on the wrong number, this still means that they can begin to open up to each other. Maybe Izumi will finally let his mask drop, even though it’s unlikely. 

“Sena…are you alright?”

Silence on the end of the line, the only thing he can hear is muffled sobs. He can tell that Izumi’s trying to contain himself, to stop himself from breaking on the other end for whatever reason. Leo doesn’t want to intrude, but he has to ask to know whether his boyfriend’s okay. He looks out the window as he waits for an answer, the moonlight illuminating only certain areas of his bedroom, stopping just short of where he’s sitting.

He thinks that Izumi would look gorgeous in the moonlight.

“I have to go, Ou-Sama, I’ll see you at school, okay.”

He hangs up on Leo then, letting the dial tone ring through. He doesn’t even hesitate, jumping up from where he’s sitting on the ground. There hadn’t even been a chance for him to say anything, he packs a small backpack. Making sure he has extra clothes, some water and food. Little John is just sleeping on his bed, he barely lifts his head. Leo opens the window, looking back into his bedroom and mumbling a small goodbye to the cat. His parents don’t need to know about him sneaking out this late, and he’ll just lie and say he got to school early. He isn’t sure it’ll work, but he’ll have to count on it.

Izumi’s home isn’t too far away, he doesn’t remember too much about it. He remembers its location, and that’s about it. He runs the whole way, the night air cold against his skin as he rushes. The streets are empty, the only people out and about are young couples on their way home from dinner dates. There’s the odd care here and there, but otherwise, it’s still. When he ends up outside Izumi’s home he notices that all the lights off. He reaches into his pocket, pulling out his phone with shaking fingers. He finds Izumi’s number in record time, and as the phone rings he’s scared that the other isn’t going to pick up.

He waits, counting the rings.

_One…two…three…four…fi-_

“Ou-Sama? Why’re you calling?”

Izumi’s voice is rough and barely audible. He hears a shuffling sound, and Leo swears that he hears a toilet in the background.

“Let me in Sena.”

“You’re here?”

He can imagine that Izumi’s clenching his teeth right now, with his hand reaching up to pinch the bridge of his nose. Leo hears a door clicking shut on the other side of the line, and then it goes silent. The very same dial tone ringing out from earlier. Leo just sits down outside the door, ready to fall asleep leaning against it. He doesn’t hear the footsteps from the other side of the front gate, and as soon as it opens he falls backwards. Izumi is pretty in the moonlight, with the brightness of the full moon making it seem like he has a halo of pure white light. The stars also match the shine in his eyes, even though it seems dimmer than usual, his eyes are clouded. They’re unclear just like the skies.

“You’re the night sky.”

It may not make sense to anyone else, but it makes sense to him. Relief is what he feels when he sees Izumi’s lips turn upwards into a small smile, but it’s quickly hidden away.

“How does that even make sense?”

After standing up, he leans right in close to Izumi’s face. He looks at him carefully, he notices that his breath smells almost acidic. His cheeks are slightly flushed, and his voice sounds as if his vocal cords have been scratched at by something. Even his breathing is slightly off. 

This is very wrong. There’s something very wrong with Izumi, he’s more composed than this. He’s never this unhinged, and his breath. Whatever it is, Izumi needs to be looked after right now. That’s what he’s here to do after all since he has both food and water in his bag, he can make sure that Izumi’s taking care of himself.

“Because! You’re the moon and the stars, and the moon makes you look like you have a pretty white halo, you’re like an angel instead of a knight.”

Within moments, Izumi’s hand is clasped around his wrist. He’s dragged along the path to inside his home, he doesn’t even seem worried about his parents. The door swings open, and it’s dark inside. Leo can just make out an open plan kitchen that pans into a dining room, and on the other side of the two of them is what should be the living room with a television. He doesn’t even get to inspect what’s around them before he’s being dragged up a small flight of stairs. At the top, there are two doors, one closed and the other wide open which he assumes is Izumi’s bedroom.

His parent’s room must be downstairs then…

“I can’t believe you came here at one in the morning, you could’ve gotten hurt, it’s dangerous at night.”

“Yeah, but I don’t care about that!”

He puts his bag down on Izumi’s bed, barely taking time to look around the other’s bedroom, his focus much more on him than the room. Leo knows that he should find it fascinating to finally be in his partner’s bedroom, but there are more important things to think about. 

“I was fine, it wasn’t anything I hadn’t handled before. Plus, it’s pointless being here since I have a shoot early tomorrow morning.”

“What kind of king would I be if I left you behind?”

Leo smiles as he passes Izumi his half-full water bottle that had been sitting on his bedside table only an hour ago. Without complaint, Izumi takes it from him before taking another sip. As he does so, Leo gets out the snacks that he’d packed, because he knows that Izumi wouldn’t have eaten dinner in concern for tomorrow then. 

“Eat something as well okay?”

“No.”

The word cuts clean through the air, Izumi’s eyes fixed on the ground. Leo notices that his knuckles have gone white as he holds the water bottle. No words are spoken, he puts it back in his bag, not wanting to fight. He instead pulls out his sweater and notices that Izumi’s eyes quickly dart towards it then back to the ground. So he leaves it on the bed and takes in what Izumi’s bedroom actually looks like now. There are photos of Makoto left on top of his dresser, clothes strewn about the floor. There’s also what looks to be magazines piled up in a corner that he assumes are rather old.

“Bottom drawer.”

In the corner of his eye, he notices that Izumi has curled into bed in his sweater. It's sweet, and he pretends that it doesn’t warm his heart to see. He pulls out the first thing he sees, an old ratty t-shirt that has holes in it. He walks back towards the bed, taking his hair out of its braid before lying down. Izumi moves closer towards him, burying his head in Leo’s chest without a word. Leo begins to hum to himself, rubbing his hand slowly up and down Izumi’s back in a calming manner. On one hand, he’s relieved that Izumi let him tonight, he easily could’ve told Leo to just go home and leave him alone. 

But part of him knows that Izumi needs someone right now, even if he doesn’t want to admit it. Leo likes how Izumi just melts into him, allowing himself to completely let go in one way. To allow himself intimacy with someone else, before he passes out though, Leo remembers to make sure there’s an alarm set for around six in the morning. Even if it’s a Saturday, he knows that Izumi would rather die than be late for a shoot. Even as he drifts off to sleep, he thinks of what drove him to run all the way here at midnight. It had been a stupid idea, but he’s content with it. He knows that Izumi would do the same for him in a heartbeat.

The sun’s just coming up when Leo’s alarm blares, his eyes opening. He forgets where he is for a split second as panic surges through him. As soon as he sees Izumi resting against his chest though, he calms down.

It’s picturesque, seeing how the golden rays of the sun look against Izumi’s skin as they peak through the blinds. He was born to be a model, to be seen by the public. Leo’s sure that Izumi was sculpted by a deity because he’s too gorgeous for this world, and seeing him just…at peace is breathtaking. He begins to move his hands through Izumi’s hair, slowly combing through it before leaning down to press his lips gently against his forehead. 

He musters up the courage to kiss Izumi on the lips, softly. He’s shocked to feel him kiss back, and when he pulls away there’s a soft smile on Izumi’s face. His eyes are glittering, clear and without clouds. 

“Good morning, Ou-Sama.”

Leo notices then, that there’s no mask. There’s no façade between them right now, this is the rawest he’s seen Izumi in a long time. 

“Good morning.”

He watches as Izumi sits up, stretching his arms above his head. The sweater he’s wearing riding up ever so slightly to reveal his skin. Leo wants nothing more than to reach out and touch it. Every inch of Izumi Sena is pure beauty, at night and in the day he shines. Leo wonders what it’s like to hold the entire world in your grasp like Izumi does.

Izumi turns around, a lazy smile on his face before he leans back down. He kisses Leo again, this time there’s a difference. It puts him into a daze, and when Izumi pulls back part of him wants to attempt to persuade him to stay in bed. Even if it’s impossible, he could just try.

“Ou-Sama, would you like coffee?”

“mm, yes please.”

Izumi leaves then, and Leo closes his eyes, falling back into the pillows that surround him. There’s a realisation that comes over him, and it doesn’t cause him to feel his heart stop, instead it just…makes him strangely feel at peace.

He dozes off, the words on his lips. The smell of coffee is right in front of him when he’s woken up again, and Izumi’s sitting on the edge of the bed holding the mug.

“You like your coffee black, right?”

“I'm surprised that you remembered?

“Of course, dumbass, how could I not? It’s the easiest order to remember.”

_Fuck, I love you._


	4. III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What am I doing…”
> 
> His voice is low, and he draws his attention away from the window. He finds the image of Leo fading from his mind as quickly as he’d been able to conjure it. The warmth in his heart fading along with it, and soon he feels nothing again. That’s just as it’s supposed to be because this isn’t about that.
> 
> “Hm?”
> 
> “What the fuck am I doing?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for taking so long to update!  
I've been swamped with work having just finished up my current job, whilst also having uni assignments to finish up all at the same time!

Izumi’s lucky, he’s lucky that Leo hadn’t gotten in any time soon. In all honesty, he’d expected his boyfriend to jump the fence or find a way to climb the wall to get into his home. But no, he’d taken the more sensible route for once and waited outside. Since then though, Leo hasn’t left his side. It’s cute, and Izumi ignores the small flutters in his chest as he thinks of how it is walking to school holding Leo’s hand. 

He’s waiting for Arashi, and of course, she has to be fashionably late as always. Leo had offered to join the two of them, but Arashi had just shaken her head and said that she wanted to talk to Izumi. He knows what it’s about, she may even be planning to ask _ that _question. Which upon thinking about it, causes anxiety to slowly swell in his stomach. It slowly solidifies, the smell of confectionary and coffee in the air isn’t doing anything to help. He distracts himself with looking at the interior of the small café. There are rather small windows at each booth, the walls are painted a soft pink colour to go with the white seats and tables.

It’s small and cozy. He can see why Arashi likes it, and he’s tempted to go up to the front and place an order for the both of them. Even though he knows the types of sweets that she likes, he finds himself thinking about going up there instead of doing it. It’s better to be safe than sorry, Arashi is one of those people who he can read rather well, simply because of how close they are. She tends to be maybe a bit more insufferable when it comes to her skin, and in turn what she eats. 

Usually, he’s on the same page when it comes to that but recently…

Well, he hasn’t been treating his body particularly well. His fingers drum against the table, his patience slowly wearing thin. The water in his glass is rippling slowly, he’s tempted to get out his phone and tell her that he’s just going to go home. It frustrates him when people aren’t on time, and as he’s about to get up from where he’s sitting down, Arashi walks in.

“I was about to call you and tell you I was going home, Naru.”

He relaxes back into his seat, folding his arms across his chest. He looks up at her, raising an eyebrow.

“Now, now, no need to be hostile, Izumi-chan!”

He isn’t being hostile, he’d just rather be somewhere else. Or he’d rather be with Leo, which is something he doesn’t particularly want to think about.

“Well, if you don’t want me to be hostile, don’t be late.”

Arashi feigns offence, her hand going to her chest and laying over where her heart would be.

“It’s called being fashionably late, it’s inappropriate to arrive on time for everything. Also, I had an appointment for my nails, so please don’t think I was purposely late.”

He relaxes slightly, letting out a sigh. There’s something that she probably wants to talk about, and for some reason, he finds himself rather afraid of what she’s going to say. Arashi has never been gentle with him, and for good reason. Her criticisms have always been fair, but that doesn’t make them any easier to handle. Although she’s a second year, she’s able to gauge a surprising amount about the people she knows. It isn’t like he isn’t the same, and maybe that’s why they’re able to help each other so much, even if it’s a little difficult.

“Just go pick something to eat, I know you like sweet things, I’ll pay.”

He passes his wallet from his bag. Arashi isn’t the best at looking after herself either, so he doesn’t know why he shouldn’t try to look after her through such methods.

“You’re not getting anything?”

Her tone is slightly off, and her eyes seem to be looking for something extra in his face. So he doesn’t have a choice but to ask her to get him whatever. And when he answers, he swears he can see her let go of a breath that she was holding. He finds himself staring into the wall after she walks over, not wanting to look too much at what she’s putting onto the small tray offered at the front. Instead, he finds himself twirling his straw in his drink thinking about the other night when Leo had stayed over.

He hadn’t told anyone about it. Arashi still doesn’t know about it, and the morning after had been nice. They’d stayed in bed together, Leo cradling his coffee in two hands with Izumi’s head resting on his shoulder as they watched shitty videos on his computer. It was nice and calming, oddly domestic even. He hadn’t wanted Leo to leave, but he’d completely forgotten to tell his parents about his whereabouts…

“Stop frowning so much, you’ll get wrinkles, skincare can’t solve everything.”

There’s a tray placed in the middle of the table now, the ice in his water has almost all melted. He’s already on his second glass so he knows that if he eats even close to a full meal it’ll feel like he’s full. He can’t lie and say that’s not what he’s aiming for, but Arashi will know there’s something up if he doesn’t eat enough today so he’ll just have to tough it out.

“I know that, idiot.”

Arashi reaches for the fruit tart, leaving the strawberry cake in front of him. It looks almost pristine as he picks up the small plate. It smells sickly sweet, and there’s cream in the middle, two layers of sponge. He doesn’t even want to think about how unhealthy such a thing is for him, he should be able to eat whatever he wants without thinking too much about it but here he is.

“Is everything going okay between you two?”

It sounds like a genuine question, not just one asked out of jesting or even theatrics. He ignores it though because it’s easier to think about this as impermanent. If it has a deadline then he doesn’t need to worry about letting Leo know too much.

“I don’t see how it’s any of your business, but fine, things seem to be going … okay.”

The warmth in his cheeks isn’t there. He ignores it by stuffing a piece of cake in his mouth without thinking about the consequences. The sweetness and softness of the cake distracting him from his thoughts. 

“Oh?”

Her voice lilts at the end, and he can’t answer. She’s sitting elegantly with her legs crossed and arms rested by her sides. she waits for him to answer before speaking up again, which is frustrating considering how unattractive he has to look with a mouth full of cake.

“Then why are you blushing?”

He hates how well Arashi knows him. He hates that out of everyone she’s the person that has to be his best friend. She knows him well enough, especially when it comes down to this. Whilst as self-absorbed as anyone else, she finds it rather easy to key in on subtle cues. 

“Shut up, Naru.”

“That’s no way to speak to a lady, Izumi-chan.”

There’s a pause for a few seconds, and his mind is immediately taken away from the conversation when he feels the heaviness in his stomach. It’s like lead, pulling him down and it isn’t a nice feeling. He tries his best to ignore it, leaving his fork on the table and instead opting to take a sip from his glass.

He doesn’t want to address the fact that he’s blushing, or how Leo can make him smile. But he finds himself wanting more than ever to spill everything to Arashi since she knows him best. She’ll also probably harbour the least judgement of him out of the rest of their unit, but he can’t be sure. Since it was her who put him up to this stupid bet. He still has no clue why, and he doesn’t even have any idea about why he decided taking up such a trivial bet was a good idea.

“He stayed over.”

He’s fixated on the window next to the table and the goings-on outside, trying not to let her pry any more information out of him than he’s willing to give him. Unfortunately for him, however, once she’s caught onto gossip she won’t let go of it. Nor will she let the other person forget about what they’ve brought up.

“Tell me more, c’mon.”

He doesn’t move his head out of his hand, trying to ignore the hands waving in the corner of his vision. Instead of thinking about the world around him, he finds himself thinking about how Leo would probably like it here. The food’s sweet, and the staff are nice. Also, the views from the windows are pretty so if they did come here he’d probably try and get another table at the window…

Warmth seeps through his body as he thinks about how the light from outside would look against Leo’s skin, and how his eyes light up at the sight of sweets. He’d also probably be happy to get to go out and treat himself considering that Leo isn’t the greatest at looking after himself.

Though that’s hypocritical coming from him…

“What am I doing…”

His voice is low, and he draws his attention away from the window. He finds the image of Leo fading from his mind as quickly as he’d been able to conjure it. The warmth in his heart fading along with it, and soon he feels nothing again. That’s just as it’s supposed to be because this isn’t about that.

“Hm?”

“What the fuck am I doing?”

Izumi doesn’t realise his voice is getting louder as he drums his fingers against the top of the table. He has no clue what this is, what any of this is. There’s a label on it, but that’s fake. Eventually, it’s going to just peel off, like the nametags that students write on sometimes for formal events in messy handwriting. The only thing they leave behind is a sticky residue that’s gone within one wash.

But after that label, there’ll be a new one given to him, one that’ll be written across his forehead as if a target rather than a sticker.

_ Liar. Heartbreaker. Cold. _

Those are only a few of the words he can conjure up in his head. There’ll be more, there’s always more that people will say. The general public and those who don’t know the full story are always going to be the most hurtful. People already have their misconceptions about him. He isn’t kind-hearted, instead, he’s known for his cruelty. Even though he only does it out of love for his friends and underclassmen, but people don’t need to know that.

If he lets them see that side of him then his reputation will take a complete change, everything will become different. And letting people see a side of him that’s warm and caring, even thinking about letting someone in like that is a bit too much for him to handle. He feels like Leo is the only person who could ever really deal with the side of him that’s caring and wouldn’t judge him for how he treats another. 

Even letting Arashi see this feels like it’s too much because she’s seeing a side of him that he never wanted to show. He did this to get back at Leo. It was simple, but why is there a part of him almost regretting it.

There’s a hand on his shoulder, warm and kind. It seeps through his bones, he wishes he was that warm. He wishes he was that kind and caring. He dares to open his eyes, slowly, realising that his vision is blurring at the edges because tears have started to spill without his acknowledgement. He hates crying in front of people, but he has no idea what to do. For the first time since Leo had left, he’s lost all over again. He remembers it, he remembers everything. He’d gotten used to him being gone, and as soon as he felt okay, Leo was back.

Fresh eyed as ever, and oblivious to the pain that he’d caused him.

“Izumi-chan, you need to let go.”

“Let go of what?”

Arashi moves her hand, sitting back down where she had been. She looks as content as ever eating her cake, smiling and happy. Her eyes shining as she looks at her friend. Izumi doesn’t know what there is to let go of, but he knows that Arashi could help him. Like he helped her…

“You only ever let negatives take you over, even when your heart is in the right place. It makes you miserable.”

He decides then, that he doesn’t care about the food in front of him. He slowly starts to eat, trying to drown out the voice in his head. He isn’t miserable, yes he leads a solitary life, clinging onto his past, but that doesn’t mean that he’s miserable. It just means that there are things that he misses more than anything.

_ Makoto… _

“I’m not miserable, Naru.”

“Then why do you cling to your past? There’s a before and after, but also a present. You’re a bit silly if you think to let your mind dwell on the before's and afters instead of staying in the present.”

“The past is easier to think about than the future. It was where I was happy, and people liked me in my past.”

_ Makoto liked me. _

“Stop thinking about your precious Yuu-kun for a second Secchan, and think about who’s precious to you now.”

Arashi’s voice is getting louder, and her aggressiveness is shocking enough for Izumi to drop his fork against the plate. The clang rings throughout the air, but it only feels loud to him as he doesn’t see any heads turn or people staring.

“Naru…”

He pretends the frustration swirling in his stomach isn’t there. He tries not to let his voice lower, he hadn’t needed this. He hadn’t wanted this, he’d just wanted to ask for advice not to be attacked for his little brother abandoning him. When he looks up from the table, he notices that Arashi’s gaze is holding steady. He moves to stand up then, moving out of the booth.

“I’m going to pretend you didn’t just say that, for the good of both of us.”

Coldness makes its way through his body. Arashi doesn’t even say anything, nor does she apologise. Instead, she just turns to look out the window. He turns his back towards her, throwing his hand up as a goodbye. He walks out of the café, leaving her alone.

His stomach feels heavy, his gaze is blurred at the edges again. He wants to feel safe, to feel warm. He doesn’t want this coldness anymore, Arashi had turned cold. His head is reeling, everything coming together to focus on one more than others.

Everything was easier in the beginning. It was easier when he and Leo were first years, it was easier when he had people to rely on. But even now, he realises that he’s alone. There’s nothing that he can do to change that. The sun is shining through the clouds, looking down on him. But it doesn’t seem to be doing anything, it’s creating a fake warmth.

It’s not like Makoto’s, where it seeps through your skin and makes you smile without even trying. It isn’t like Leo’s where it gently caresses every bare inch of your skin, slowly taking you over until you feel like you’re floating. That’s how Leo’s warmth feels, and for the first time, it’s better than what he knows in his past. He’d forgotten how his warmth feels. His footsteps sound out through the air, he can faintly hear the conversations of others. He begins to hum quietly to himself as he makes his way back home, not thinking once about what had conspired with Arashi.

He reaches his hand into his pocket, quickly opening it onto his contacts. He’d never deleted Makoto’s number from his phone, and he doubts that Makoto had deleted his. Their texts are particularly one-sided, though he has a bad habit of being rather overprotective.

He may miss the other, but he doesn’t need to be a threat anymore. His head is now stuck in one place. He’s confused more than anything right now, scared and he wants someone to talk to. He could talk to Leo but if he does then doesn’t that mean that he’s letting someone he never wanted to see his vulnerable side in?

When he gets home, the first thing he notices that his mother and father’s car is in the driveway. Which is … great, just what he needed. He loves his family, but his mother is rather overbearing in a way that can be annoying. His father, on the other hand, wants nothing more than to be supportive of their son. 

The two of them, however, don’t know that he’s gay. He doesn’t want them to know either but knowing Leo, it won’t stay a secret for very long.

As soon as he opens the door, he’s immediately bombarded with hellos from his family. His father keeps his distance, the two of them aren’t very affectionate. His mother on the other hand…can be unrelenting when it comes to affection. She has a terrible habit of kissing him on the cheek and hugging him. Most think it’s sweet, but he isn’t particularly someone who enjoys physical affection.

“Where were you? Izumi, we were so worried about you!”

“I thought you’d run off, oh good, it looks like you’ve at least been taking care of yourself.”

His father’s voice is the first to ring out, his mother’s on the other hand echoes throughout the apartment. Which he isn’t exactly opposed against, he just wants to get away from them so he can sit in his room and maybe break away from people for a while because he’s tired.

Today has been tiring, and he knows that Leo will probably call him tonight. Since he’s been afraid that Izumi was going to do something stupid since what happened a few nights ago, but he doesn’t know how it works which is nice. He also is a tad ticked off at himself, considering that he’d barely made it to his shoot the other morning. His agent nearly had his head on a silver platter, he’d just said he’d slept in late because ‘making sure that my fake boyfriend was okay’ was a bullshit excuse. 

He manages to escape, with barely enough breathing room. When he gets to his room, the first thing he sees is the coffee stain on his bedside table, usually, he’d attempt to get it off but for some reason, he doesn’t want to. It’s a nice little memoir to hold onto, Izumi also notices Leo’s hoodie on the floor. He hadn’t even noticed that it was there, he sits at the end of his bed, lifting the hoodie to his face. Leo smells nice, he smells like home. Sweet, kind and he doesn’t know explain it. He doesn’t know how to sum up someone’s scent. He’s never been good at talking, at explaining things, that’s why Leo writes their songs. Because he’s good with words, even if it doesn’t seem like it, he knows how to find the right words when no one else can. 

An odd feeling takes over him, and he finds himself throwing the hoodie over his head, it’s a tad short considering that he is taller. He doesn’t mind it at all though, he likes that it makes him feel like he has protective armour on. The feeling is an odd one, but he’s more than happy to welcome it. 

He doesn’t know why he feels like everything’s about to fall apart. Maybe it’s because every morning when he looks in the mirror he finds himself thinking about where he could lose the most weight or finds himself wanting to go on too many diets. Maybe it’s the fact that his agent the other morning had said he’d been doing a good job to look as good as he is. 

But it’s taken so much to get to this point, to the point where he at least feels a little bit comfortable in his body. If anyone found out about this he’s sure they’d immediately tell him to give up, or quit or something along those lines without realising how much he enjoys it. It gives him a type of confidence, a confidence that he doesn’t know how to explain. Leo would be disappointed.

That’s when it clicks, whilst he’s sitting on the corner of his bed. The light flowing into his bedroom from the only window that’s next to his bookshelf. Leo’s scent washing over him slowly as he realises when everything started to go south.

Leo.

It’s all Leo.

Everything can be linked back to him, but for the first time, there isn’t bitter hatred associated with that name. Instead, he feels confusion wash over him as he falls back onto his bed, the sheets wrapping around him. He curls up into the foetal position, his arms crossed across his chest, wanting nothing more than to be surrounded by Leo.

How can someone so sweet cause so much pain and hurt? He let Leo into his life, and all he’s done is made everything more complicated. His feelings may have changed, but there isn’t any point in doing anything if he’s always going to end up feeling like this. First Leo had left him behind, with a unit that they’d built from the ground up together, expecting him to be their leader. 

And now this?

He’s tired. He’s tired of feeling like an idiot, of being forced to live through endless miseries. That’s what Leo is to him, a misery. He wants to forget Leo, he doesn’t want to remember his scent. He doesn’t want to hold onto him because he’s all things good. He’s everything that makes Izumi good.

How can he even think about doing well? How can he think about being happy when Leo is the reason he’s where he is, standing tall and proud with friends. He wishes that he could be like him, that he had Leo’s personality and attitude. He’d be able to do so much more then, he’d have things to be proud of. Without Leo, he has what feels like nothing.

He has his modelling, his photoshoots but otherwise, he’s alone. Without his unit, without Leo, there’s no point to even living. As he looks up at the ceiling, he knows that’s a dangerous way to look at it. Because you shouldn’t rely on someone like that if someone wants to die they will, and no one can change that. There is a point to living without Leo, but without him, there wouldn’t be any warmth in the world. Makoto wouldn’t even be able to make him smile if Leo wasn’t around…

Arashi’s words echo through his mind;

_ “think about who’s precious to you now.” _

Who is precious to him now after everything? He knows that Arashi is, and maybe Lee. Makoto’s precious, and the other Knights members. But other than that, he can’t think of anyone else who even holds a flame to those. 

He reaches his hand up, and as he does he realises that the list still has those he loves. It’s only grown, and he knows that deep down there’s a part of him that’s always loved, Leo. Ever since they were first-years, new to Yumenosaki and terrified of everything. 

For the first time in what feels like forever, tears begin to track down his cheeks. It’s an odd feeling, but he can’t stop them. They’re falling, slowly because he doesn’t know where to start or what to do. There’s so much that he doesn’t understand, and only one constant throughout it all. He clutches onto the sleeves of the sweater hanging off of him, making him feel small even though it doesn’t fit him properly because of their height difference.

He doesn’t know when he fell asleep, but when he does wake up its pitch black. His stomach hurts from hunger pains but he elects to ignore it as he sits up. Izumi lets out a groan, reaching his arms up to stretch them. His first reaction is to get ready for school, so he makes his way to the bathroom.

As he does though, he notices that the lights aren’t on downstairs so neither his mother or father are awake, which is odd considering that they’re both almost always awake before him. He shrugs it off though, walking into the bathroom. Light spills from above when he flicks the switch on. It takes a while for his eyes to adjust when they finally do he’s faced with himself in the mirror. Puffiness seems to be his skin’s main issue today, which is from falling asleep whilst crying.

He doesn’t like the splotchy red patches either, and his eyes are still glassy. He’s still wearing Leo’s hoodie, much to his own content. He doesn’t think about taking it off for even a second as he begins splashing his face, part of him wants to turn the shower on and get under the cascading water just to allow his muscles to relax. 

But before that, he reaches to his pants to get his phone. The familiar weight isn’t there so he quickly makes his way to his bedroom, trying his hardest to stay quiet so as not to wake up his mother and father. His phone is lying faceup on his bedside table, he manages to make his way through the landmine of his bedroom floor without making a single sound. Blue light illuminates the room from the screen of his phone, and he’s only upset when he sees the time staring back at him.

It’s barely two in the morning, and he was ready to go to school. Even about to text Leo, which he feels like doing anyways. But then he’s probably asleep so it would be pointless. He retraces his steps, walking over the landmine that is his bedroom floor. Usually, his bedroom is meticulously clean, but recently he’s been distracted from more mundane activities. 

Within the next ten minutes, the bathroom light is off, and he’s back in bed. This time instead of being asleep on the end of his bed, he’s under the covers. Warm, comfortable and feeling safe surrounded by Leo in what could be considered the oddest way possible. He feels rested, but also it’s the shallow type of rest that only extends so far. It doesn’t do anything for him, he finds his minding going back to when Leo had been over. The way that the other had been nothing more than a calming presence. Even as he’d left Leo behind to let himself out there had been a lingering feeling of content knowing that he could possibly come home to see his boyfriend lying in his bed. 

Boyfriend…the word doesn’t make his stomach feel sore, and irritation doesn’t swirl in his chest. He curls in on the sweater he’s holding onto more, wishing more than ever that Leo was actually there instead of an imitation. As he thinks, his eyes squeezed shut in an attempt to trick himself to sleep, Izumi comes to the realisation that Arashi had been right. She’d been right to call him out because he does a habit of clinging onto his past – his bad habits. 

But the way she’d said it had been so uncouth, it had scathed his skin making him feel like there were third-degree burns trailing all the way up his arms. Hearing that from someone who means that much to him…it had stung. His happiness is what Arashi had been looking out for, after everything they’ve been through together it only makes sense that she would do such a thing. The fact that there are people who care about him that much though feels like some sort of pipe dream…

People like Arashi and Leo who hold his hand through everything, even Leo who is smarter than most give him credit for. He’s come to know by now that Izumi is doing this for anything other than genuine reasons. Even though it’s late, sleep doesn’t come to him. It’s hanging just out of reach, as if he’s stuck in the bottom of Tartarus, forever hungry, never able to reach up. 

Confusion is what’s in his mind, clouding everything else. It’s why he can’t sleep; it’s why he can barely make it through the night even though he has to get up early for school. There’s also the worry for his skin now that he’s almost broken the regime, he needs to keep it looking clear, he has half a mind to reach for his phone and call someone. The likelihood of either Arashi or Leo picking up is so farfetched though that he doesn’t even want to try. 

Arashi definitely doesn’t want to talk to him, and bothering Leo is out of the question considering that he’s probably just fallen asleep, unlike Izumi. So, he only has his thoughts to keep him company throughout the night until it feels like it’s too much for him.

Light filters in through the windows, he can hear the birds singing outside. They’re almost as nice as Leo’s voice, that’s the first thought that passes through his mind as he sits up. Izumi stretches his arms above his head, yawning. He’d forgotten that he was wearing Leo’s sweater, and he finds himself wanting to leave it on forever.


	5. IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How gorgeous it is to just live in simplicity. 
> 
> This morning has been nothing but sweet, calming and perfect. It’s been simple but everything that they could ever want.

Leo doesn’t know where to start when it comes to Izumi. He’s been acting off for the last few days. He doesn’t understand it, nor can he. But it’s nice because it seems like Izumi wants to spend more time with him. Leo doesn’t care if it’s real or fake, he cares that Izumi’s holding onto him. As he walks into their practice room for what feels like the first time in forever, he notices the way that Arashi looks at him. It isn’t anything uncomfortable, but it’s almost as if she’s worried about him. Izumi’s already there, standing in a corner with his earphones in and eyes closed. The rest of the unit is separated from him, standing around Arashi. 

Her gaze doesn’t leave him as he makes his way across the room to stand in front of Izumi. He waves his hand in front of his boyfriend’s face. He doesn’t even flinch, which causes a smile to appear on Leo’s face. As if acting on instinct, he starts making silly faces at Izumi. Pulling his cheeks out and poking his tongue, even pulling down his lower eyelid to expose his eyeball whilst poking his tongue out. He can hear laughter from behind him as he begins to jump and down waving his arms. 

Still nothing. 

He decides then, that drastic measures must be taken. Leo pinches Izumi’s nose, causing his eyes causing them to snap open and look right into his own. His thumb is poking out of his fist as he begins to speak.

“Got ya nose!”

Leo lets out a laugh as he begins to back away from his boyfriend, who just pulls his earphones out. He turns around as if to run away before he feels something wrap around his waist, within seconds he’s lifted on the ground and squirming in the air.

“Not anymore.”

“Sena, you’re so strong! Wahhh you should pick me up more often.”

Izumi drops him to the ground then. His mirth now having disappeared as he looks onto the rest of the group. Leo’s fist unclenches, because for the first time in what feels like forever his group are relying on him. He makes his way to the front of the room, looking over each of his friends carefully. There’s a speaker at the front of the classroom, and someone’s already connected a phone to it. There isn’t much coming up in terms of lives, but they can’t let themselves get lazy. 

He knows that, and so does everyone else. And whilst he’s only just come back to look after everyone, he’s still their king.

He wishes that there was more than this though, that they'd hang out more outside of school but since he'd decided to show up at Izumi's home the other had become even more closed off if that was even possible. It didn't seem like it could be true but here they are, stuck in this fantasy of a relationship. 

There's a lot of it that feels fabricated.

He's standing in the front. Everyone's eyes are trained on him. For the first time in months, he feels like he's inadequate. He shouldn't be the one standing in front of them, he shouldn't be their king. That's Izumi's job now, he's been gone too long. But he puts a smile on like he always does and turns to face the mirror instead. His phone is resting on the floor in front of them. He moves forward to pick it up, choosing the song carefully. 

"Alright, we'll do a full set like we would at a concert, I want each of you to think of your breath stability, from there we'll figure out the chinks in your armour and then we'll move onto what we can work on in the choreo."

Practice comes to an end in what feels like minutes of the beginning, everyone packing up to leave him alone in the practice room. Izumi's staying behind as well, but not before he says goodbye to everyone. Leo looks at the ceiling from where he's lying on the ground. It looks an awful lot like it's spinning. He finds himself thinking that maybe he should've either eaten more throughout the day or at least kept his fluids up. But that had been so hard! He got so excited as they were all practising together that he forgot to drink water. It may seem silly, but it isn't to him.

Leo isn't exactly known for looking after himself anyways.

"Did you not have enough to drink, ou-sama?"

Izumi's voice drowns out his thoughts. Leo rests his hands on the ground before pulling himself up into a sitting position. He flashes a smile towards Izumi, feeling nothing but fondness towards his boyfriend. 

"I forgot..."

Shaking his head, Izumi passes Leo what looks like his water bottle. 

"This isn't mine though, what about Sena? What are you gonna drink?"

"I'll be fine, just look after yourself, you idiot."

As soon as he takes a sip, refreshment fills his body. The cold from the water making him feel more rejuvenated than ever. He wants to get up and keep dancing, but Izumi's already halfway out the door. His back is turned to Leo, but it looks as if he's waiting. Quickly, Leo packs up his things.

The two of them are walking through the halls of Yumenosaki together, Izumi's hand is clasped around Leo's. His grip is tight as if Leo's trying to leave. It's an odd feeling, feeling so close but far from someone. There's an intimacy between them but it's oddly empty.

If Leo had to summarise how being with Izumi right now feels, he'd imagine it as a puzzle with a missing piece that you can never find. No matter how hard he tries or what he does, there's nothing that's going to replace that piece because nothing will fit. It can't, because they don't know what that final piece is.

He looks down at Izumi's hand, dread slowly filling his stomach as if it's lead. He feels disgusting for even thinking about it, doubting Izumi is the worst thing that he could do. It's cruel and unfair because he trusts him more than anything. He trusts Izumi Sena not to leave him like everyone else, not to be dating him just for looks.

But for some reason, part of him wonders if they'll ever find that missing puzzle piece.

Maybe that's what it is.

They walk through the front gates of the school, the air cool against his skin. There's something off about this, this doesn't feel right. He can feel Izumi shivering, he can sense that he's almost hesitant as they begin walking towards Leo's home. He hates himself for even allowing such a thought to pass through his mind. But as the breeze picks up he wonders if he really is just paranoid, that would make the most sense. 

Izumi loves him, Leo knows this. He knows that better than anything or anyone as he looks across to see the other looking down at the pavement they're walking along. He doesn't know what he wants, because such a thing seems ridiculous to him. Countless people have used him, then most would leave him behind ...

They all only love him for his music, they never wanted to be his friends.

Izumi isn't like that, he isn't. Izumi wouldn't hurt him, nor would he leave him behind to rot. But if he does Leo doesn't know what he'll do...

"The moon's pretty tonight."

Cool and calm, Izumi's voice washes over him. It wipes away any thought that he's having, making him forget about the paranoia that had been taking over him more than anything.

"Sena, you were made to be looked at under the moonlight."

Scoffing Izumi stops, turning to look at him. He throws his head back, and Leo's mind goes to a completely different train of thought. He tries not to let himself think about how pretty Izumi's skin is, clear and untouched. 

It's gorgeous.

Izumi's gorgeous.

"Then you were made to be seen under the sunlight, Ou-Sama."

He pretends not to notice the warmth that fills his cheeks or the way his voice suddenly disappears. This isn't fake, it's too real to be fake. He can't let himself believe such a thing because there's no way that all this is fabricated.

Who needs a puzzle piece? Who cares about one piece, even if there is he knows that both of them will try their best to put something in place. Everything can be fixed, but not everything was made to be filled.

They don't need to find a missing puzzle piece, not everything's perfect. He isn't perfect, and he knows that Izumi isn't. Neither of them are, but under the moonlight, as he looks at Izumi standing across from him he wants nothing more than to map out all his imperfections and rebrand them as perfect.

Any blemish, freckle or mole that Izumi thinks is ugly he'll make him think otherwise.

"The moonlight shows how perfect Sena is, I don't care how I was meant to be seen! I wanna see Sena how he's meant to be seen."

"Leo..."

"Not only are you my knight, but you're my everything. I'd capture the whole world for you, reign in the moon so I could see how you were meant to be seen every day and night. Sena I would do anything to have you as my knight for all time, no one's shown the same extent of loyalty as you."

He ignores how his voice has changed, he doesn't look at Izumi. He doesn't want to meet his eye at all, so instead, he watches the moon. The breeze around them seeping through their clothes to make him feel the pinches of cold of the outside.

"Thank you, Sena, for not giving up on me."

That's when he turns back to look at Izumi. He doesn't appear to be shocked. Izumi moves in close, close enough for Leo to cup Izumi's face and hold him close, he doesn't even get the chance though. 

Izumi gets down on one knee, his eyes closed. 

"A knight would never give up on his king. I'm forever yours, Ou-Sama."

Leo's taken aback; he hadn't expected a grand gesture like this. Not in public where everyone else can see, even the cars driving past could see. To others, such a scene would look as if it's right out of a play which the two of them know this is far from.

Izumi is forever at his side, his right-hand man and partner. The two of them are two halves of the same whole, without Izumi, he wouldn't be king. And without him, Izumi wouldn't have a purpose. 

Knights wouldn't exist if they hadn't come together to take down chess.

They've thrown away so much for each other that he can't imagine being away from Izumi at all. Not when they're the reason that the other is standing here. Leo reaches forward, resting his hand against Izumi's shoulder.

"And I yours, Sena."

They walk together in silence, there’s no more dread weighing Leo down. Izumi had destroyed any thought of being left behind. He wants more than ever to bring Izumi inside with him, to let him sleep in his bed. The one morning they’d shared together had been one that Leo had loved more than anything. It was soft and kind, and warm…it was sunny. 

Standing outside, he finds himself bringing Izumi closer and closer until their breath is mingling together. It isn’t him who closes the distance between them though, it’s Izumi. His lips soft, and warm. Leo wraps his arms around Izumi’s neck, wanting more than anything to be closer to his boyfriend. 

This feels right, for the first time he lets himself go. He throws everything he can into this every moment because it’s completely, and utterly perfect. Izumi is also the one to pull away, and they just stand there. Their breathing heavy, Leo kisses Izumi again but softer this time. Pressing his lips carefully against Izumi’s lips as if they’re fragile, making it sure that he knows more than ever how much Leo cares. 

This time when he pulls away, he looks Izumi in the eye, smiling.

“Stay over.”

“Ou-Sama, I-“

“Your king commands it.”

Izumi shoots him a glare before mumbling to himself as he walks behind Leo.

Waking up next to Izumi is better than he remembers. He’s warm, the sun’s cracking through the blinds. Izumi’s head is buried in his chest, his hands gripping onto his clothes so much his knuckles are white. If Leo were to move he can only imagine that his grip would get tighter.

Which he doesn’t necessarily mind. He likes it when Izumi shows him his vulnerability, and whenever they sleep together like this there’s no better way for him to see it. It’s rather comforting to know that Izumi wants him. Because when you sleep with someone, it’s important to think about how their body reacts to you.

Izumi is entangled with him. His legs caught in Leo’s, arms wrapped around him. He’s curled up in the foetal position. Leo moves his arms just slightly, and even that’s enough to cause Izumi to let out a small whine.

It takes him by surprise at first, he’s never heard his boyfriend _whine_ like that before. It’s cute, and he wants to hear it over and over. Instead of attempting to prompt more of the sound he rests his hand on top of Izumi’s head and slowly starts to rustle his hair lightly. They stay like that for what feels like ages, Leo running his hands through Izumi’s hair and Izumi finally getting the rest that he needs.

Slowly, Leo begins to sing to himself. An unknown melody, but one that reminds him of Izumi more than anything else. It’s then that Izumi begins to stir, slowly lifting his head. His eyes are half shut, and eyelids heavy. He lets out a small yawn before pushing back into Leo, trying to force himself back to sleep.

“Good morning, Sena.”

Leo makes sure he isn’t too loud. For once, attempting to leave his voice as low and quiet.

“Morning, Ou-Sama.”

Leo smiles, running his hand through Izumi’s hair another time. He gets out of bed slowly, making his way out of his room and downstairs, he gets out two mugs, and a jar of instant coffee. He puts two spoonfuls of it into Izumi’s and four in his own, as he waits for the water to boil he finds himself feeling nothing but happy at the recent development.

The night before had been as if out of a movie, stupid and silly. There had been something theatrical about it but those things are normal to both them. Their interactions are something that people tend to think are rather off, the only ones who don’t are their friends who share their unit. Instead, they tend to laugh at them most of the time, labelling it as something silly.

The kettle goes off. A high-pitched squeal piercing through the air causing Leo to instinctively flinch as he moves towards it. He then pours out the boiling water into both mugs. He leaves his own untouched, as his coffee cools down he pours in a small amount of milk into Izumi’s. He just remembers to add enough sugar before making his way upstairs back to his bedroom.

“Oh? You made us coffee?”

Leo smiles as he sits on the corner of the bed, waiting for Izumi to sit up before passing it to his boyfriend.

“I hope I made it right for you. I’ve never actually had to add things to someone’s coffee before. I don’t know how you can do it honestly.”

“I don’t know how you can drink that steaming pile of shit.”

The two of them engage in a small stare off after that before letting out laughter together. This is so simple, so nice. Leo takes a small sip of his coffee as he tries to gauge how Izumi feels about his own. There’s not much about Izumi that Leo doesn’t know but he does know that the other doesn’t drink coffee as much. 

And when he does, Leo never does get to hear how he has it so this was at best a small guess. Izumi doesn’t finish it fully, but he’s drinking it rather quickly as he sits back in bed, scrolling through his phone so Leo assumes that he hasn’t done a bad job. 

“Get back in bed, you’ll catch a cold.”

As he crawls back into bed, Izumi moves to put his coffee back. Leo’s shocked when he feels arms wrap around him, pulling him in and under the covers. He ends up letting out a laugh, struggling to break out of Izumi’s grasp. It doesn’t go his way, but instead finds himself turned around to face him. 

His heart is beating so fast that he swears Izumi can hear it. There’s something different about this, something that has him wondering just what’s going on. He doesn’t hate it though, he can’t not when Izumi wants to be this close to him. Not when his boyfriend is more than happy to be clingy with him like this. Izumi doesn’t even give him a second to breathe however, kissing Leo harshly and it sends him reeling. His mind working like a scratched record, and he finds his body responding without any thought. 

It feels like he’s walking on air whenever Izumi kisses him like this, it’s not weighing him down but instead, it makes him feel like he’s disconnected from his body. Only a few things can make him feel like that, and that includes his music.

He’s done for.

Izumi Sena has made him feel more loved than anyone else ever has. He doesn’t hesitate when it comes to kissing back, he moves as if on instinct. He doesn’t need to think heavily about it because they’ve already given each other everything they can. He doesn’t want to move away, he can feel Izumi’s hands moving slowly along his body as if tracing a kind of imaginary line.

It tickles, causing him to break away and let out small giggles.

“What’s so funny?”

“I-It tickles Sena.”

He stops then, looking Leo in the eye as if attempting to figure out if there’s an ulterior reason. Leo just lifts his arms up and away from Izumi to show that there’s no other reason, that he’s innocent. As they look at each other, blue eyes looking into green, he realises how beautiful this is.

How gorgeous it is to just live in simplicity. 

This morning has been nothing but sweet, calming and perfect. It’s been simple but everything that they could ever want. He can’t speak for what Izumi wants, but Leo knows this is what he wants. He wants simplicity, someone like Izumi who can ground him and look after him. And sometimes, he knows that Izumi likes to be looked after and cared for. 

Suddenly, Leo’s pushed aside, Izumi scrambling over him to get his phone from the bedside table which he pretends doesn’t hurt. Leo watches carefully as Izumi slides his finger across the phone screen, trying to figure out just what he’s doing. It’s only then that his mind can register that there’s a blaring ringtone making its way throughout his bedroom.

The ringing stops, Izumi’s face is scrunched up as if preparing for something. The only thing that Leo hears from the other side of the line is what sounds like either screaming or a harsh berating. He doesn’t bother listening to the rest of it and instead lies on his back looking at the ceiling. Warmth fills his cheeks as he thinks of where that could’ve led if one of them hadn’t broken it off. It’s not like it would’ve been a bad thing but … it’s scary. Being intimate with someone is scary and it’s enough to make his heart almost stop in his chest. How can he even let himself conjure up such thoughts, such images when he acts like a lovestruck shōjo protagonist every time they kiss. Izumi’s voice in the background brings him back from his thoughts, bringing him back from his thoughts and he’s thankful for that.

“Remind me to message my parents to tell them where I am next time.”

“Why?”

“I forgot to tell them that I wasn’t coming home, and my Mum freaked out. Apparently, they’d been trying to call me all night.”

“You need to stop worrying so much Sena!”

Leo smiles, turning around to face his boyfriend. His hands immediately find their way to Izumi’s face and … it’s nice. His skin is soft, and he melts into Leo’s hand, moving just that little bit closer. Izumi sort of reminds of a cat, which Leo thinks is more than fitting for his boyfriend. He acts rather aloof, and comes to you when he wants, but is always there in his own way. 

It’s sweet, and Leo couldn’t be more appreciative of Izumi than he is because it means a lot to finally have someone in his corner. He knows that he left, he hates himself for it but the fact that Izumi still looks after him and wants to be with him…

He couldn’t be any happier than he is at this moment. To spend his morning and days with his partner like this. There’s a lot that could happen, a lot that could go wrong between them. He doesn’t care though, because this is worth anything and everything. 

“Hey, Sena?”

“Hm?”

“Everything you said last night…did you mean it?”

It’s as if he’s broken through a one-way mirror, everything shattering. Izumi doesn’t even look at him, the question hangs in the air. Waiting for an answer, he sits up, taking his mug off of the bedside table. He’s shocked to find that it’s still warm. 

Izumi does the same, sitting up before turning his back away. 

“I did.”

Those words offer Leo a false sense of security, and he takes it. He lets it wash over him, providing him with some kind of relief from the confusion that’s eating him up. It’s nice to feel relief replace what was once there. There’s no reason that he shouldn’t trust what Izumi says. Looking across from where he’s sitting on the bed, he notices how fragile Izumi’s body frame is. 

Tiny, petite…Leo knows how strong Izumi is, there’s more to him than what meets the eye. Most people understand that, even if they don’t seem to. A lot has gone wrong for Izumi, there are some things that Leo is sure he isn’t aware of yet but that doesn’t mean he can’t worry about them. It’s a lot to think about, to think about someone like that. 

“What?”

Coldness seeps through Izumi’s voice as if he’s trying to deter Leo from saying anything else. It doesn’t change how badly he wants to speak up, how badly he wants to say something because Izumi’s body is perfection. 

As if it had been sculpted by gods just for him, but then there’s something that feels so _off_ that Leo is scared to even compliment him. He turns his head to face in the other direction so he’s no longer looking at Izumi. Nothing happens, because Leo doesn’t let himself speak, he lets Izumi’s voice hang in the air. Simplicity begins to melt away, swept away by the roaring tides of reality. Calmness being dunked so far underneath that it feels like neither of them will ever be able to find it as it lurks out of their domain.

Void, cold, empty. That’s what this feels like, this silence that feels like it’s been prolonged to be longer than necessary. He looks at the ground, finding tears slowly begin to fill his eyes as his thoughts scramble to try. 

_Make him better._

_Fix him._

_Help him._

Sinking. His legs are sinking into the bed, a presence is next to him. Hands move through his hair, he can hear faint singing. It drags him out of his head, everything turns back from white noise to distinguishable sound.

_Are those my cries?_

Vehemently, he begins to shake his head, denying himself to even think that he’s crying. He’s unsure, scared, afraid, everything seems to be out of place. He’s out of place, he doesn’t deserve to be anywhere around Izumi. He barely deserves to look at him after everything he did. Izumi should hate him, he should hate him, so why is here? 

_Why is he with me?_

Anchoring himself he tries to pinpoint the sounds around him. Shutting his eyes, Leo tries to figure out who’s voice is accompanying his own. And he realises within what feels like seconds that it’s Izumi’s. Melodic and gorgeous, it drapes over Leo like sweet honey. He lets it happen; he lets it calm him. The waves that had washed the calm away calming down to bring him back. Neither of them talk. How could they? That means admitting their truths to each other, being vulnerable…Vulnerability is terrifying. Leo’s already shown so much to Izumi, but he doesn’t even understand what’s happening in Izumi’s personal life. They’ve seen each other at their best and worst.

The hands in his hair are Izumi’s moving through it slowly. As if brushing it the same way a mother would, he lets Izumi play with it. For reasons unknown to him, he likes it when people play with his hair. It’s not only calming, but it’s a nice feeling. It’s relaxing, and part of him wants to teach his boyfriend to braid.

“Do you know how to braid, Sena?”

Ice begins to melt, the air begins to warm around them. 

“I don’t…”

Izumi’s hands stiffen, he can feel it.

“Well, without someone like the gorgeous Ruka-tan to look after how could you! I’ll teach you.”

Optimism leaks through his voice, he can feel a smile settling on his face. Maybe not everything is lost, maybe there’s hope.

“Oh, okay.”

Izumi’s hands relax then, he can feel his fingers beginning to move again. It’s ironic that this is his distraction from insecurity, that Izumi is his distraction when it seems that he’s the root of it all.

Breathing, Leo begins to hum to himself. His fingers fiddling with a loose piece of material on the end of his hoodie.

“Section off three parts of my hair, okay?”

Izumi does just that, but he pulls. 

“OUCH! Sena that hurt be gentle.”

He doesn’t get a response, which means that Izumi is probably trying his hardest to listen to Leo and understand just what he’s supposed to do.

“Sorry Ou-Sama, okay now what do I do?”

“So you’re gonna do the right side first, okay? Put that over the middle, and then the left is gonna follow! And keep doing that until you get to the very end and then I’ll pass you a hair tie from my bedside table!”

It hurts. A lot, Izumi despite trying his best to be gentle appears to not know what that word means exactly. Which doesn’t shock him, but it leaves his scalp hurting more than he expected it to. It also takes Izumi the better part of half an hour to get it done, considering how his hair hadn’t exactly been knot-free it makes sense.

Which is also why it hurt now that he thinks about it…

“Did I do good?”

“I don’t know! Let me go see in a mirror okay?”

Leo jumps up, ready to run and check how it looks in the bathroom.

“…Or you could just use your phone camera dumbass…”

“Or I could do that.”

Leo pulls his phone off of the bedside table, picking up his mug at the same time to take a sip of his coffee which is now lukewarm. He opens the camera, the first thing he sees is Izumi in it and he’s tempted to snap a photo of the two of them. He holds off on it so he can see how he looks before taking anything.

Pretty. That’s how he would describe it, pretty and simple just like Izumi. He can see that somehow, his boyfriend had managed to do more of a French braid than a traditional one.

“How’d you…”

“I did what you said?”

“Sena this is a French braid…”

“Oh, I just thought you’d look pretty…if I did it like that and it was too easy after I got the hang of it so I restarted at one point so I could do this…”

Leo doesn’t know how to process that in all honesty. Processing that Izumi thinks he’s pretty is never easy, not when he’s far from it. It takes his breath away, thinking that there’s someone who thinks of him in that way. Izumi thinks of him in that way, the one person who he loves more than anything, thinks he’s pretty.

“Thank you, Sena, I love it!”

Warmth replaces the iciness in the air. Hostility forgotten; insecurities forgotten. Everything has been forgotten because for once it doesn’t feel fake. It doesn’t feel fabricated; Leo doesn’t feel like he’s part of some silly prank anymore. Even if he is, he knows that there are moments where everything has been real. 

Complete transparency is rare with Izumi Sena. Leo knows that better than anyone else. But as they’ve been together, Leo’s seen how he’s grown into himself. He’s not the same, even if Izumi doesn’t want to believe it.

Leo’s sure that everyone else can see it. 

“You do?”

“Yeah I do, Sena.”

The words are on his tongue, those words. Threatening to spill over, he can’t let that happen. He hates the vulnerability that comes with them. They stay in his head. Maybe one day he’ll be brave enough to say them, but he isn’t now.

He’s not ready to let himself go like that.


	6. V

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fine china is delicate, once it shatters it can never be put back together because of the pieces lost. Sometimes there’ll be a visible crack that shows what was once broken. But it’ll never be fully repaired. It’s perfection forever fleeting, just out of reach. Maybe that’s what perfection is to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning - suicidal thoughts, depression, self-harm, eating disorder mention.
> 
> to skip the self-harm scene stop reading at the part where izumi gets in the shower and start reading again after he's gotten out.

Izumi is known for keeping to himself. There are those who are supposed to know him, people like Tsukasa and Ritsu. There are the people that really know him, like Makoto and then there are the people that know him so deeply it’s as if they share one mind. 

That person should be Leo, he knows it. Leo knows it, and everyone does because they were so close for so long but now it’s as if there’s a kind of partition between them. A wall, looming in the middle that’s made of impenetrable glass. They watch each other from either side, watch as the other tries their hardest to communicate, despite knowing they’re forever unattainable.

Leo is unattainable to him.

Even as he walks back home after spending the night there, where their touches had been soft, careful and everything in between. Where both of them had been too afraid to venture any further than expected. Leo would be someone perfectly within his grasp if Izumi wasn’t so imperfect. If he was to look at himself in a mirror right now, he knows he could easily point out every single imperfection. All of them adding up to create something that’s nothing more than a mere fabrication of what he should be.

Warmth is attempting to leak through the clouds as the sun peaks through, creating mottled patterns on the concrete. His footsteps make a sound all on their lonesome. Strangely enough that’s how he feels, even though there are so many people who care. There’s Leo and Arashi and Knights. There’s also Makoto, but beyond that?

Beyond that he’s certain no one cares but him.

No one cares.

No one cares unless he’s perfect.

Perfection is such an odd idea. Everyone is taught that perfection is impossible, but it’s attainable. It’s attainable if you can set everything else aside, and sacrifice yourself in the process. 

He’ll sacrifice himself to make people care.

He doesn’t care what he needs.

He needs to be perfect.

Footsteps come to a stop. Izumi just stands there, his eyes focussed on the pavement. Leo may be unattainable, but just maybe…maybe he’ll finally be what everyone wants when he’s finally perfect. 

Before everything…

Before Leo had abandoned him, he’d been perfect.

Then it had all gone astray. He’s never felt so lost in his life so he’d tried to control everything, he’d tried to control himself. He’d looked after everyone in knights, taking care of everything he could. His modelling had been put on hiatus.

Fingernails dig into his palm, stinging drawing his attention. It’s not enough to draw him away from his thoughts. So many people have left him behind.

He hadn’t been good enough.

It had all been his fault, Leo leaving was his fault. Leo leaving was the same as Makoto.

It wasn’t Leo’s fault.

Everyone had left him because he wasn’t good enough. That’s right, it was him who hadn’t been good enough. For Makoto, he hadn’t been pretty enough, for Leo he hadn’t been enough. People leave him behind, the only person who never has is Arashi.

He wouldn’t be shocked if she did. He’s treated her so poorly. Everything had been alright back then but that doesn’t change how he’d hurt her. His actions had led to nothing but hurt for those he cares about most. But all he’s ever been is terrified. He’s been terrified that he’ll be left all alone again with no one to lean on.

Even if he and Makoto are a little better now, things will never be how they were. And he’s about to fuck everything up with Leo again because of some stupid game. 

_ “think about what’s precious to you now.” _

There’s so much that’s precious to him now. Too much, he doesn’t deserve it at all. He needs something to control it all, something that can help him at least control something. Walking, he tries to draw himself back to reality. To bring himself away from the thoughts that hurt him so much.

The warmth from the sun on his back, the smell of freshly cut grass in his nostrils. It’s calming, anchoring him to what his reality is but at the same time it just isn’t enough. He’s tempted to pull out his phone and call someone but it’s late enough in the day that he shouldn’t even bother attempting to make plans with someone. It’s not like anyone would particularly want to see him.

After all, he’s still not talking to Arashi. 

Coming to a stop, his own home looms in front of him. His parents car is still in the driveway, which means that they’re home for once which is rather nice. Usually they’re off in another country for either a business trip. He doesn’t bother knocking on the door, instead he rifles through his bag and finds his key after what seems to feel like forever. As soon as the door open he can hear muffled whispers coming from his parents bedroom.

“I’m home.”

It’s quiet, but it’s loud enough that his parents should be able to hear him. He gets nothing back, he doesn’t necessarily care though. They seem more preoccupied than anything else so he doesn’t bother. He simply toes his shoes off, leaving them at the door before making his way up to his bedroom. 

It doesn’t feel like home when he steps inside. He dumps his bag next to the floor, stretching his arms back. He feels his back shift. It’s supposed to provide some kind of relief but instead just…hurts. He throws himself on his bed, he can only look at the ceiling where there are marks left from when he was a child.

Once, there had been posters his father had so graciously put up for him. Photos and more, but now the only thing like that in his room are spreads from different magazines and photoshoots. There are countless piles of photos from when he and Makoto used to model together. There are even framed photos here and there. They had been knocked over, left to fend off the gathering dust themselves.

Trivial is the word he’d use to describe the human mind. One minute he’s more than happy with what’s about to happen, but the next he feels like it’s eating away at him. He feels like there’ll be nothing left in the end.

And that doesn’t scare him.

It should scare him. He should be afraid of what’s happening, but instead he just feels like welcoming it. Because everything around him is slowly falling apart. He thought everything would be fine if Leo came back, but as soon as he did he held nothing but resentment in his heart. There was nothing but hatred and anger towards the one person who had been nothing but kind to him.

It doesn’t make sense.

_ Wouldn’t it all be easier if you just…went away? _

If he went away…There’d be no one he could hurt. There’d be no thoughts overcrowding his head, everything wouldn’t feel so intense because he wouldn’t be around. It would be so easy to just walk into the bathroom that’s across from his bedroom and do something.

For the first time, guilt doesn’t claw at him. Fatigue crawls through his body as he forces himself to sit up. Izumi’s looking at the wall instead of the ceiling now, his head feels empty as he stands up. He can’t completely process what he’s doing but he makes his way towards the bathroom, quietly enough so that his parents can’t overhear his footsteps. If anything, he’ll be sure to run the shower. 

He may as well have one considering he didn’t get one the night before since he was at Leo’s.

The sound of water hitting against the floors is harsh on his ears until he gets used to it. He strips his clothes off and leaves them in a small pile in the corner of the room. His phone is sitting on the side of the sink and he doesn’t even think as he opens the cupboards above the sink. Not wanting to see how he looks in the mirror staring back at him because he’s terrified of what he’ll see.

He doesn’t think about anything but the blades he’s trying to find. He’d hidden them away in case he’d ever needed them again. Most of his scars have faded by now, and he hasn’t harmed himself since he’d realised that he was all alone.

And now he’s harming himself because he’s so far from perfect.

He’s so far from what people want.

Cutting had always brought a sick sense of satisfaction. It had always made him feel relief upon seeing blood slowly mingle with water and trickle down his wrist. Dying the water that’s going down the drain a light pink.

His fingers hurt from opening the empty vitamin container, but as soon as he does he sees two staring back at him. Glinting in the light from above him. He holds one of them in the palm his hand, delicately as if he’s about to lose it. The soap pan in their shower has always been empty so he puts it down on top. 

Water hits against his back, he throws his head back wetting his hair. He runs his hands through it on instinct. It doesn’t take long for his actions to turn to autopilot, first he washes his hair. Rubbing the shampoo between his hands until it’s a thick coating of bubbles, he scrubs it into his hair. His fingers digging into his skull enough to the point that it hurts. Afterwards he washes it out and reaches for the conditioner, he makes a mental note to himself that he needs to buy a new bottle since he’s nearly out.

He allows the conditioner to sit, as he does so he uses a loofah to soak up his shower gel before he moves it all over his body, scrubbing as hard as he can to get himself clean. His skin goes red but he ignores it. He hangs the loofah back up on the shower tap. The water stays running as he picks the blade up off of the soap dish.

Carefully, Izumi leans his back against the shower wall. It’s cool against his skin, and he has to close his eyes for a second. He doesn’t feel anything but he does allow himself to let out a breath. Finally, finally after everything that’s been going on he’ll feel some kind of control. Finally, he’ll be able to hold onto something that’ll give him a cause.

He deserves this because it’ll make him hurt. It’ll make him uncomfortable. He’ll forever be imperfect if the scars are too deep, but it’ll be a constant reminder that he’ll never be enough. It all hurts, but he can barely bring himself to feel it. Wallowing in his pain isn’t going to cause anything because it’s not real. It’s not real unless he makes it real.

A lot has happened for him to be back here.

Scars have faded and he thought he’d healed but he’s back. He’s no better than he was after Leo left, he’s still as broken as ever.

He’s supposed to be perfect. Perfection doesn’t allow for even a second of hesitance, nor does it allow for chips or cracks.

Fine china is delicate, once it shatters it can never be put back together because of the pieces lost. Sometimes there’ll be a visible crack that shows what was once broken. But it’ll never be fully repaired. It’s perfection forever fleeting, just out of reach. Maybe that’s what perfection is to him.

He doesn’t wince, he just lets out a sharp breath as the blade drags across the skin on his wrists. It cuts open so easily, as if scissors gliding through a piece of paper. The sting is dull, and the water mixes with the blood as it trickles down his wrists.

It stings.

It hurts.

But it’s satisfying. It’s satisfying to watch blood drip down his wrist, the shower water stops. He steps out and the air is cold, it makes it sting more. He doesn’t even think about it as he wraps himself in a towel. He places it atop his head before using it to dry his hair, the fabric nicks against his cuts. Izumi lets out a small hiss involuntarily because it stings.

He moves from his hair to his body, drying himself off slowly. Tying the towel around his waist, he makes sure that he’s put everything away properly. Shampoo and conditioner are both where they’re supposed to be on the shelf in the shower, then there’s the empty soap dish. His blade is sitting on the sink, he quickly stashes it away in the container he’d gotten it out of.

Peeking out of the door, he makes sure that he can’t anyone walking towards him. His mother and father seem to be nowhere near him and instead downstairs, he deems it safe to run to his bedroom. As soon as he gets inside he closes the door behind him, shutting it quietly so as not to raise suspicion. For the first time since getting home he allows himself to check his phone.

Two hours.

Two hours had passed in what felt like nothing. Izumi is quick to change into a hoodie and old pair of track pants. He ignores the stinging in his wrists, and just wraps his other hand around it to stop the bleeding. A trick he’d learnt a while ago, it stings but it brings the bleeding to a stop.

Sitting down at his desk, he feels nothing. He feels nothing as he leans over his phone and scrolls through the few notifications that are there. He feels nothing as he opens his texts to see something from Leo.

  
  


** _From: Ou-Sama_ **

_ Remember to have something for dinner Sena! _

He hadn’t even thought about dinner. Nor had he planned on having it unless his parents made him. He still types out a reply, and for the first time since getting home that day he at least feels warm.

But that doesn’t stop him from lying.

** _To: Ou-Sama_ **

_ I’ll remember. Don’t worry about me. _

He doesn’t eat, he doesn’t care enough to do so, nor does he care enough about himself to even attempt to wash his face even though it’s always been so vital to his routine. Izumi curls up in his bed, bringing his hands and knees to his chest. He’s lying on his side, and he leaves his phone on. Blue light reflecting onto the roof until he falls asleep, Leo’s messages left on until his phone shuts itself off.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


He doesn’t mean to ignore Leo over the next two days at school, but it just all seems to fly over his head. It’s as if he’s in a different world, it doesn’t feel like he’s really alive. Instead it feels like he’s just floating through his daily life. Which isn’t a bad thing, but he can tell that others are worrying about him because of this.

No one’s said anything to him yet.

The air is cold against his skin as he’s walking to school. The clouds just shielding the sun from view so the sunlight is cold instead of warm. It’s welcoming. Softly humming to himself he pulls his phone out of his pocket and begins scrolling mindlessly. More or less for something to distract him than anything else. He manages to catch a message from Leo at the top of his phone but he doesn’t bother answering since he’ll probably see him in around a minute or two outside the school gates considering that he isn’t too far away now.

And he was right.

Walking up to the school gates Leo is waiting for him with his headphones hanging around his neck instead of on. There’s a notepad in his hand and he’s scrawling all over it. Izumi manages to piece together that he’s working on a new piece or something of the likes considering that Leo never seems to tire. Which is something that Izumi admires more than anything if he’s being honest with himself.

Because Leo writes.

He writes without thinking, he scrawls everything everywhere and Izumi wishes he could do that with just as little thought. Leo must hear his footsteps because his head jerks upwards and the first thing he does when their eyes meet is smile. His eyes begin to sparkle, Leo smiles just enough so the skin underneath his eyes crinkles. It’s refreshing, and it makes Izumi feel something other than empty. Whenever he looks at Leo he doesn’t feel nothing, he doesn’t feel like he’s floating. Instead he feels like he’s been thrown into a warm, golden light. 

“Good morning!”

Izumi can’t help but stop in his tracks, not walking anywhere nearer because Leo is nice. Leo is kind and warm, and his voice just makes him melt in all the best ways. Clearing his throat, he smiles back, feeling nothing but coldness sweep through his body and guilt building up underneath everything.

Realisation is cold, it’s unforgiving and it’s only now that he truly realises how harsh he’d been towards Leo. How unkind, no one deserves that. No one deserves to be treated as such, even if this is all a joke shouldn’t he treat Leo with some kind of decency?

_ This isn’t a joke anymore. _

Out of nowhere it hits him. This is real, everything that’s happened is real. Slowly but surely, this relationship had graduated to reality. Which seems so silly, so completely ridiculous that he can barely wrap his around it. It doesn’t take much to throw him off, but being this close to someone is a surefire way to scare him. 

“Morning Ou-Sama.”

Falling out of his mouth as if it was a phrase that he was meant to say everyday. He wishes he could, waking up to Leo each morning would be nothing short of a blessing. Izumi knows deep down that he doesn’t deserve that though, he has so much to change before he can even allow himself to think about that. There’s so much going on but so little time to be shared between them before it gets to being too late.

When did he start thinking like this? How did he start thinking this? 

Soft skin touches against his cheek. Involuntarily, Izumi finds himself leaning into it. Leo’s hand is against his cheek, and Izumi hadn’t even realised but it’s welcome. Tranquility is what he finds in Leo sometimes, even if he by definition is the exact opposite, but the same could be said for him.

“Is everything alright, Sena?”

Izumi wants to break, he wants his knees to buckle and to fall down. Weakness showing on complete display because he’s so tired of it all, he’s so tired of hiding himself and his true intentions. But he doesn’t deserve Leo, he doesn’t deserve whatever this is. In reaction, Izumi has no choice but to smile softly in return, making sure that he feels the skin bunch underneath his eyes and a tight smile stretch over his face. 

It feels fake.

“Yeah. I’m just happy to see you.”

Phantasmic is the word he would use to describe the smile on his face. But he tries to tell himself that it isn’t. Slowly, and carefully it begins to morph, it’s shape shifting. A game of charades is what it feels like. Izumi tries to look at everything from the perspective of Leo, who believes that this started genuine. 

Genuineness was what this was lacking at the start, but now it’s all genuine. Much too perfect for him to even allow himself to think about. So just maybe he can keep up the charade that this is real, that this is what he deserves until it all comes crashing down on top of him again.

“You’re smile is the prettiest!”

_ No, it’s not. _

“It’s for you.”

And Izumi realises, that’s the only truth he’s told today. Unthinkingly, he takes Leo’s hand in his own, holding on tightly. Anchorage is what he needs right now, that’s what Leo gives him. As the two of them walk through the gates, he feels more comforted than anything else. It’s the most comforted he’s felt for a while now.

Flinching, he attempts to discretely pull down his school shirt and blazer. Izumi has to bite down on his lip to stop himself from outwardly flinching from the hurt. But that’s why he’d done it, to feel pain. 

To remind himself.

Footsteps fall in sync, and Leo is surprisingly quiet for so early in the morning. He doesn’t break it either, not knowing what to say. Leo’s presence is just nice, calming even. And as the quiet settles, Izumi can hear Leo slowly begin to hum under his breath. It’s nice, and more than likely the melody for the song that he’d been scrawling out earlier on a notepad. If not that, then a completely new one.

Awestruck, he finds himself staring at Leo, watching him carefully from the side of his eye. Everything about Leo is perfection, everything about him is flawless. There are some things that others would deem flaws, there are things that Izumi can’t forgive him for yet despite his revelations. But that doesn’t take away the fact that Leo is perfectly imperfect.

As they get to their classrooms, Izumi gives Leo an absentminded wave, a goodbye not quite forming on his lips because he knows that the two of them will more than likely see each other again throughout the day considering that they walk home together. His footsteps make for odd company, everything around him drains into the background becoming nothing but ambiance. He feels completely and utterly alone, and isn’t that where he should be right now. Lonesomeness is something that he’s always dealt with poorly, to the point that he’s hurt everyone he’s cared about in that way. He can’t help it, and it’s terrifying to think about how he could hurt Leo without thinking about it.

But he’s already hurting Leo, and he’s more than aware of it. No one gives Leo enough credit. His footsteps stop, the sound ceases and his gaze is fixed on the ground. Fists balled at his side, knuckles white as he tries to stomach how he’s hurt Leo. There’s no way after finding out everything that Leo will still want anything to do with him. Promises he’d made had been fake, or were supposed to be fake but now he wants them to be more real than anything.

Jerking forward, Izumi falls face forward. Accompanying his groan of pain is a throbbing on his forehead as he slowly stands up, rubbing his pants off. Grumbling under his breath he turns around, to see that the person who’d ran into him had been none other than Ritsu.

“Secchan?”

Seeing Ritsu awake and at school….that has to be one for the books.

Pain flares ever so slightly in his wrist and he has to hold back from hissing.

“Are you okay?”

He’s getting really sick of that question, because it isn’t anyone’s business if he’s okay or not. If he was okay they wouldn’t be asking but he has no idea how to answer so he just stays silent and lets the question wash over the two of them. Ritsu, unlike most people he knows, lets the question dangle in the air until he gets the message that Izumi doesn’t want to talk – it’s either that or he doesn’t need to.

There isn’t much for him to say or do as he watches Ritsu walk away from him, but he knows that he’s getting bad. In only a matter of weeks everything about how he views the world around him has changed, his vision has become formed purely by what people think and how he can play into that and that has to change.

He has to change.

But why is change so hard? For perfection to be attainable he has to change, but not like this. There are so many people that love him already, but that’s not what he wants. Nor is it the type of love he wants, he wants the type of love that he sees daily. The warmth that seeps from Leo, the way that Leo sees everything in pure happiness and only positives. Achievability isn’t what matters to Izumi, because happiness has always been just out of grasp.

As if he’s tantalus, with happiness forever hanging above him, just out of reach. As soon as he gets close enough to it it’s ripped from his grasp. It’s not fair, but it’s his punishment for everything wrong he’s ever done to the people he loves. For each person he’s hurt, his punishment only grows stronger. He’d managed to find his way to his classroom amongst all the thoughts in his head, walking there on autopilot.

For once, the day doesn’t go by as quickly as he would like it to. It feels neverending, as if it’s dragging on and on, building up to a kind of climax. Eventually, lunchtime rolls around and the classrooms disperse. People stand up to go see their friends, but instead of him getting up to visit Leo’s classroom like he usually does he stays sitting. No one cares about him so why would he bother?

Leo’s kindness is above what he deserves, and he would not put it past Leo to come to his classroom. With just the thought, warmth is rushing into his cheeks. And for the first time that day he doesn’t feel nothing, he feels warmth blossoming like the cherry blossoms in April, all over his body. Beauty isn’t his forte, nor is it what he can ever hope to achieve if he keeps treating himself as he has been.

He knows very well that he more than likely is bonier than he has to be, then there are also the scars that are left behind by self harm, like age rings on an old tree. They’re not pretty, they’re ugly and disgusting, they mark him as broken. Leo doesn’t deserve something that’s broken, he deserves perfection. Izumi lays his head in his hands, his eyes staring at the desk beneath him as he tightens his grip on his hair, pulling just enough so that it hurts. It stings, and he has to breathe. Breathe carefully, in and out. 

Lost in himself, and to the world around him, it’s no wonder that he misses the subtle sound of footsteps walking towards him. Maybe it had gotten caught up in the other sounds that seem to be a tad overwhelming, or maybe he’d become so self absorbed that he no longer can even predict that there are people around him. Either way, now there’s a hand on his shoulder that he hadn’t been expecting. He jumps back from it, frightened and a laugh begins to ring out. It’s not from him though, Izumi can’t remember the last time he was able to laugh so genuinely.

It’s Leo’s, bright, sunny and clear as day. 

Izumi feels the cherry blossoms blooming all over his body again, consuming him slowly as he listens to Leo’s laughter. A breath of fresh air…a ray of light in such a dark time. A ray of light just out of reach. 

“Sena, it’s just me! No need to be scared.”

Leo moves his hand off of Izumi’s shoulder and pulls up the chair from the desk in front of Izumi so they’re facing each other now. Leo’s resting his forearms over the back of it, leaning his head atop them as if trying to take a nap. The only thing that indicates that he isn’t about to fall asleep is the fact that his gaze hasn’t left Izumi for even a second.

“Did you lie to me.”

With that, the entire air around him has changed. It becomes thick, hot and heavy and Izumi can barely bring himself to breathe properly. His heart stammers, it feels as if he’s breathed in smoke. He doesn’t let his gaze waver, he calms himself, breathing carefully and he puts on a smile. 

Like he does for the camera. 

This is a performance after all, so why not give Leo his best one. 

“I’ve never lied to you, ou-sama, I think you know that.”

Leo doesn’t even relax with that, his eyes still fixed on Izumi.

“Cut the bullshit.”

Izumi takes another deep breath, trying to clear the air surrounding him. It’s only heavy because he’s making it heavy, Leo can’t feel it. Only he can, this is just him and him alone. A one man play, and he’s the centre of attention. 

He sits back, crossing his arms over his chest. Trying to calm down, shaking his head as he responds.

“Why would I lie to you, Ou-Sama?”

_ Concern. _

Gone, as if it had never appeared. But Izumi had seen the way Leo’s face had tightened. His eyes had gotten softer, his hands had shaken ever so slightly. 

If it’s not concern, it’s pity.

“Everyone knows you like to hide, Sena, even me.”

He wants to scream, to cry. He wants to tell Leo how fucked up this is, how sorry he is but he wants to pretend for just that little bit longer. Leo is his, and he loves that. He loves that so much, he loves having Leo around him. Having him smile, basking in his warmth. Warmth is something Izumi so rarely feels that he sees as a privilege, or even a luxury. 

“Then what am I hiding, Ou-Sama.”

“I don’t know, Sena, but I’m here when you’re ready.”

Leo doesn’t even say anything as he stands up, walking out of the classroom.

_ “Fuck.” _

Izumi’s voice is quiet, quiet enough that no one around him can see it. And when he holds his hand in his hands this time, its to hold back the tears as they slowly leak out of him, falling onto the top of his desk.


	7. VI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You know, for a king, you’re a fucking idiot.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry this took so long! I've been working on uni and caught up in a lot of stuff due to covid-19 i hope you all enjoy this chapter!
> 
> Note the rating change as things do sorta (?) get heated later this chapter don't know if it'll go up from m though, so keep an eye on that.

There’s no guide to fixing the damage that he's caused - no step by step method that explicitly shows how to display regret. Regret surrounds and manifests in the air around people that hurt. It shows in the actions that they partake in when they realise how much they’ve hurt their loved ones. Leo hadn’t even realised how much he’d hurt not only Izumi, but Knights. As soon as he’d arrived back, whispered rumours had already reached his group members before he could make his own appearance.

As he’d stood there in that classroom, there had been nothing but feelings of hostility brewing, slowly boiling over as if water spilling from a kettle. But he had smiled through it, guided his group through everything to show them what they could be without him, what they could be without their king. Knights are powerful on their own. Throughout history, knights have served only nobility, but really, Leo thinks, they should have served themselves. And becoming a knight, as gory as it was, is something that brought purpose into a person’s life. Maybe that’s why everyone had been so averse to him going, had been so torn.

The person it had affected the most though…

_ Izumi… _

“What’re ya thinkin’ about?”

Madara always happens to just…appear out of nowhere. Though it makes sense considering that the two of them have always got on rather well. Even after he’d left throughout their second year and come back for third, Madara had always been there for him to come back to. He never thought of him as better or worse, but maybe that’s just because the two of them could be seen as birds of a feather. 

“Sena’s acting funny.”

“Oh? Is this boy trouble?”

Leo glances over at Madara who has a questioning look on his face, with one of his eyebrows raised and the other angled downwards as if a cartoon character.

“I don’t really know if you could call it trouble…Sena’s just-“

“Being Sena.”

If anything, Leo hadn’t expected such an answer from Madara. Considering that he surely can’t talk about Izumi that much. And he’s only just started talking to him again recently… Leo just knows there's a lot that he will never be able to understand when it comes to Izumi. There’s a lot that’s been left between them, unsaid but hanging there in the air. There’s been too much left unsaid despite everything that they’ve gone through. And now Izumi seems flat. Itseems like he doesn’t care, which Leo knows is untrue. Suavity may be what Izumi is known for, and if not then it's his aloofness, but Leo knows that Izumi cares. He knows it’s the complete opposite, Izumi cares too much about those he surrounds himself with. Madara is good to talk to, because somehow despite their own reputations they help each other stand on an even ground.

The only person that could know him better than Izumi is Madara if he’s being honest. But that’s just because everyone has a friend like that, someone to confide in. But it’s nice to just…rant to someone. Even if he never specifies full situations or explicitly states what’s going on Madara just has a way of knowing. The two of them come to a standstill, and Madara leans his back against the window, allowing the sun to warm it. 

“Are you sure he’s treating you right?”

“What?”

The air surrounding the two of them has suddenly just changed, and Leo can’t let himself even begin to comprehend the question because it’s a no brainer. He knows, and he’s shocked that Madara would even ask such a question.

“You heard me, I’m just worried that’s all.”

“Well, there’s nothing to worry about.”

Madara just nods then, not pushing it any more than he has to. He turns to look outside the window.

“So does that mean you’re worried about him then?”

Leo doesn’t think it needs to be said so he just leaves it and doesn’t say a thing. He lets the silence speak for him. It’s funny that silence can say more than what people need to hear from others, and that sometimes it’s just what everyone needs.

“If you’re so worried, then why don’t you talk to him instead of me?”

Leo looks Madara in the eyes, and he’s expecting to see an expression that’s one of confusion, instead, there’s one that’s soft, and curious. Sure, Madara’s confused but there’s also a curiousity beneath it all that Leo is more than aware is what mainly drives him. 

“I tried, I told him I’d be here when he’s ready but I’m scared that’s not enough.”

The school looks rather serene, the wind blowing slightly causing the trees to sway in the wind. Laughter and chatter can be heard from where the two of them are looking out over the school and it’s nice. Hearing people have fun is nice because it means that not everything is doomed. Not everything is bad, there’s good in this world for some but for others…

That goodness, that happiness is so fleeting that it may as well not exist. 

“Then what happens from here on out isn’t your fault.”

Madara says it so matter of factly that Leo is almost taken aback, the words sitting on his chest now. His friend doesn’t say anything else before walking away, and Leo watches as Madara waves back to him. 

He’s right, Leo knows it and so many others do.

You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.

Izumi may not want to be saved. But there has to be a part of him that wants to be, Leo knows that if it wasn’t for Knights if it wasn’t for the futile pursuit of happiness, he wouldn’t be alive. Though he’s sure that he’ll never be able to fully grasp happiness in its purest form, he can try.

It’s why he always tries so hard, why he puts his all into everything he does. He tries to teach everyone around him that happiness is well within their grasp. He pushes himself off of the railing overlooking the grounds and begins to make his way to gates of the school. There are no club activities today, and he doubts that anyone really wants him to stay.

“Ou-Sama, you got a minute?” 

Leo’s about to exit the main building when he hears Ritsu’s voice from behind. He turns around and gives his group member a smile. 

“Of course, a king always makes time for his knights!”

“…Right.”

Ritsu stretches his arms above his head before walking up to stand next to Leo at the lockers, leaning against the one next to him. Leo wouldn’t be shocked if Ritsu fell asleep there, considering that he’s not only always tired but he’s trying to shield himself from sunlight. He can tell just by how Ritsu’s positioned himself in Leo’s shadow.

“Secchan’s not doing good. Don’t know if he’s told you, but it seems like he really needs some help soon, or whenever, just thought I should let you know.”

“Did he tell you anything?”

Upset slowly builds under his skin, the words had just thrown him into a whole new thought process. Izumi had confided in someone, told someone that he needed help but that someone wasn’t him. Empty, that’s the word he’d use to describe how his voice feels. How the air around them feels because in this very moment Leo feels like he’s been handed a bomb.

“No. He didn’t, I could just tell.”

_ Oh… _

That makes things a lot better, as bad as this is, he’d want Izumi to confide in him before he confides in anyone else. He wants to be the person that Izumi knows he can come to, and it hurts because he would go to Izumi about anything in a heartbeat which brings out a whole new question to answer.

_ Why won’t you show yourself to me, Sena? _

“You know him well, don’t you?”

Everyone knows it, but Izumi and Ritsu have the kind of relationship that could be thought of as brotherly. Maybe that’s why Ritsu had been able to pick up on it as well, but then again…all of Knights probably have at least noticed how both he and Izumi have been acting. Surely one of them will turn around and say something to Izumi, and if it doesn’t end up being one of them then it has to be him.

And everyone knows how that story goes.

But if things get bad enough then maybe the only thing that they could do is talk some sense into Izumi, but then that could backfire. If it backfires everything gets worse, Izumi goes back to how everything was before he came back and sure, he wasn’t around for that but he’d heard about it from everyone else. Seeing Izumi like that, seeing the most precious person in the world to him would be absolutely shattering. Knights were driven into the ground, but that’s more his fault than anything else because if he hadn’t left when they needed him most then they wouldn’t have to struggle so much now. 

“Stop spiralling, Ou-Sama, none of this is your fault. But you need to help him when he reaches out, and if it comes to it don’t wait.”

Ritsu moves out from behind him then, and Leo watches for the third time that day as someone walks in front of him, leaving him with nothing but his thoughts. Toeing his shoes on, he begins to whistle to himself again in an attempt to rid himself of the manifesting guilt. 

The moon hangs in the sky as if a play is being performed and the clouds blur the light from the stars ever so slightly. The breeze is cold and Leo doesn’t quite mind the cold for once, looking from the window of his bedroom he feels his worries slowly consume him again, making their way up through his body. Into his head, plaguing him because there are so many questions, that he has about everything that’s going on right now but there aren’t any answers.

People don’t necessarily care for him, but he cares for them. And even if this entire relationship is fake, he doesn’t want to wake up one day to hear the worst thing possible. To hear that the love of his life is no longer here and for some reason he finds the possibility of that happening becoming more and more likely.

His phone chimes, causing him to jump and little john lets out a mewl in response. He shushes the cat quickly before diving for his phone. A smile graces his face as he looks at the screen, seeing just who had sent him the message because he had not expected that at all. 

_Speak of the devil._

Scanning over the message he’s quick to type out a reply to Izumi, the smile never leaving his face.

  
  
  


** _From: Sena_ **

_ I miss you, Ou-Sama. _

** _To: Sena_ **

_ I miss you too. _

Everything will be okay; Leo can only have faith that it will be. As of right now, the two of them really only have each other. He’s more than happy with that, but he doesn’t think that he can be that way forever.

He can’t put Izumi as priority number one forever. Self-care is important, but when it comes to Izumi he almost doesn’t care about that anymore. If it meant that Izumi would be happy forever he’d do anything.

Before Izumi can get away, Leo’s quick to send a message to his partner, throwing on his jacket, not even bothering to remember shoes or clothes for the next day. The window from his bedroom is open and he doesn’t think, the grip he has around his phone is one that’s rather tight. 

With the gentle breeze of the night pushing against his face, Leo jumps out of his window trying to contain his laughter at the sheer glee that comes over him. He remembers his way to Izumi’s by memory even if he’s only been there a few times. His feet carry him, as if on autopilot and he doesn’t even think, nor check his phone to see that he’s been barraged by notifications by just the one person.

** _Missed Call_ ** _ : Sena (3) _

** _From: Sena_ **

_ Ou-Sama I’m Fine. _

** _From: Sena_ **

_ Don’t come over you idiot it’s late _

** _From: Sena_ **

_ I’m going to kill you. _

Leo doesn’t think as he stands outside of Izumi’s door, nor does he register the car in the driveway that doesn’t belong to his boyfriend at all. After all, Izumi would rather a bike to a car so why does it matter? He can always run out the next morning. Taking a deep breath, he taps his knuckles against the door.

No response.

So he knocks harder.

Again, nothing.

_Well, third time's the charm._

He starts singing Izumi's name, it overlaps the knocks echoing through the night. The calmness that had once been in the air is disturbed.

“Sena, ope-” Finally the door opens and Izumi drags him in by his collar before almost slamming it behind him.

“You know, for a king, you’re a fucking idiot.”

“You said you missed me! I ran all the way over for you Sena doesn’t that make you happy?”

Leo leans in close then, almost close enough that he can feel Izumi’s breath against his lips. Suddenly, the ground’s gone out from under him.

Thud

Pain rockets up from Leo’s tailbone, and Izumi’s look down at him with what looks like a smirk. His shirt is crinkled up in his face from where Izumi had been holding it.

“What was that for?!”

“Being an idiot.”

Izumi reaches his hand out for Leo to take and helps him up before pulling him in close and kissing him softly. 

“And for the record, I did miss you you just need to learn to stop doing things without thinking dumbass, what if you'd gotten sick tonight? You’re not even wearing shoes and did you even pack a bag?”

Leo just shakes his head, looking around the house that Izumi lives in. It’s spacious, and every time he comes here it’s interesting to see how much cleaner it is than his own.

How much emptier it is…

_ Does Sena even have parents? _

That's a stupid question, he has to have parents but Leo's never met them before so what else is he expected to think? That his parents are always just conveniently away? That can't be it...Maybe Izumi just lives alone...

"Are your parents home?"

"Did you not see the car in the driveway? Now shut up so we can get upstairs without waking them up, because as soon as they see you that's not going to be particularly fun."

For once, Leo tries his best not to be loud, because Izumi sounds scary. It doesn't scare him, but he knows that Izumi only sounds scary when he's serious about something so he chooses to oblige until they're in Izumi's bedroom and then, he'll be as loud as he wants. 

Holding hands, Izumi runs up the stairs to his bedroom with Leo following quickly behind him. Izumi is light on his feet, and Leo could only dream to be that silent but somehow people always manage to figure out just when he's about to sneak up on them...

Soft carpet covers the hallway, and from the walkway that leads to Izumi's bedroom, Leo can see the full layout of the house. The bathroom looks to be next door, and he doesn't think much of it. 

"Hu-"

He's thrown through a door, which is then slammed behind him and Izumi's standing up, looking down on him. 

"Sena! What was that for? That's not fair I was quiet."

"Uh-huh, just stay in here for the rest of the night, and don't leave unless I say it's okay because my parents really don't expect me to have anyone around, especially a _ boy _."

Leo cocks his head to the side as he moves to sit with his legs crossed, looking at Izumi with confusion.

"Why does it matter that I'm a boy, Sena? They shouldn't care! Because I love you!"

Tension fills the room, and Leo thinks that Izumi looks pretty with red dusting his cheeks, whilst the moonlight illuminates his skin from the window. He doesn't care that he's never said it before now, but that doesn't stop his heart from jumping into his throat and nerves filling his stomach.

"I love you, Sena."

The second time he says it, it's more to feel it again. To feel it roll off of his tongue and into the air because it does so magnificently, how it makes him feel is only a bonus. Affectionate warmth slowly moving to fill his entire body, every crevice that had felt empty suddenly overflowing.

He's loved before, but he's never loved like this.

But Izumi...Izumi looks afraid as he turns away, he looks so tired. He looks scared, with his eyes glassy and cheeks flushed, it feels like something that's been torn out of a painting.

"You _ what _?"

"Do you want me to say it again?"

"Ou-Sama...I-"

"You know...You don't have to say it ba-"

Once again, Izumi lets his actions speak for him. He sits down in front of Leo, pulls him into his lap and kisses him softly. His arms wrap around Leo's neck, and it feels so right. They fit together perfectly, even if their edges barely fit and if there are parts of them that are chipped and lost forever. 

"Shut up, I love you too."

For the first time since they've been together, there's no hesitation. Glee takes the place of affection, Leo moves his hands to hold onto Izumi's hips. They stay there, pressing lightly into his skin. The fabric of his shirt is soft, and Leo knows that it doesn't measure how soft Izumi's skin really is.

But as he pulls himself away from Izumi, he feels everything wash over him. Everything from his past. Everything that had led to this very moment, he thinks about it and it hits him.

_ I don't deserve this. _

"Hey, what's wrong?"

Leo doesn't say anything, he freezes. Grip growing tighter everything piles on top of him, guilt toppling over and overtaking the pure joy that had been there mere seconds ago. This isn't what he deserves, this happiness...with the person he hurt the most when he left? That's not fair. It's not fair on Izumi, it's not fair because Leo knows that there's every chance he'll do it again. Even if he doesn't mean to.

Smiling, Leo closes his eyes and relaxes his grip. Everything is pushed to the back of his head, because he doesn't need to ruminate on himself. He's done enough of that, he's finished making everything about him especially when the love of his life is right here, in front of him and looking more perfect than ever. Reaching his hand out, he brushes it through Izumi's hair. Which, to no one's surprise is one of the softest things that Leo has ever felt.

"Nothing!"

And just with that, Leo pulls Izumi in close. Forgetting everything, sealing it away with a kiss. This is what will make him forget, Izumi will make him forget because Izumi's forgiveness is what he needs. And Izumi is who he needs, without him, Leo had felt nothing but lost, without him Leo hadn't had anyone...

Loneliness is a monster. An ugly monster that destroys everything and Leo never wants to encounter it again.

As soon as Izumi pulls away, Leo pulls him right back in, kissing him harshly. He needs this, he needs this because this world is so bleak...it's so tiring without someone to share it with. Even just being here makes things slightly better. Izumi keeps him safe, he protects him from everything that is bad even when he doesn't mean to. He does everything to protect Leo from the bad in this world. If anyone is worthy of being called a knight, it's him. Izumi holds everything so close to his heart and only lets in those who he deems worthy.

Which means, that when he does tell Leo everything that he deems Leo worthy.

But hasn't he already done that? Not even from the start, but as soon as he'd started calling Leo his king again he'd felt worthy. He'd felt like everything was finally going back to normal, but as he's sitting in Izumi's lap, looking in his eyes like this he has to wonder...

_ is this really normal? _

And he wants to lose himself. He wants so badly to throw himself into Izumi and lose himself in that boy, the boy sitting right across from who's cheeks are flushed and eyes locked onto him. 

"Ou-Sama, why are you crying?

Izumi reaches a hand forward. Gliding his thumb across his cheek, Leo can't help but look Izumi in the eyes. To his surprise, he has been crying. Izumi's finger is covered in what looks like water. And if he's being honest, he doesn't know why he's crying.

"Well that's just the million-dollar question, isn't it?"

He isn't usually like that. He hates crying because it doesn't feel like he's himself when he does. And he doesn't want to show Izumi that part of him even though he already has because it feels so stupid, crying isn't his thing. It's not something he does, he much prefers to be happy, to smile, to laugh. Those things bring much more into the world than tears do...

"I'll protect you, Ou-Sama."

Hands cup his face, and Leo is locked. He's locked looking into Izumi's eyes and there's nothing but sincerity staring back at him. The sea of blue, filled with so much love, that Leo wants to let himself drown in it. If he could figure out a way into them then he knows that he'd throw himself into the murky depths.

"You're a worthy knight, Sena."

There isn't anything else said between them, because Leo can't bring himself to say anything else. There also isn't anything else to be said, and the tension from earlier is back in the air, slowly polluting it. Choking isn't what he's worried about though, he's worried that Izumi will kick him out. Will tell him that he's not worthy.

But instead, Izumi pushes him off of his lap. He stands and offers his hand to Leo, helping him to stand up. And just like that, they're on the bed. Leo lying on his back looking at the ceiling, Izumi sitting up as if trying not to look at him for some reason. 

"I don't really care if I'm worthy or not, because I'm yours no matter what you do. Sure you left me for dead, you made me leader which was the most terrifying thing. I ran our name into the fucking ground, I tainted what we were and what we stood for. I destroyed everything we worked hard for, and you were _ nowhere _. And here I am, still with you."

Izumi takes a shaky breath before leaning onto his hands. He throws his head up and Leo swears he sees the hint of a grin there. "

I think it's safe to say that I'll always be at your beck and call, Ou-Sama."

Slowly and carefully, Leo sits up. He moves so he's directly behind Izumi, and he lets his hands wander. Touching everything he finds beautiful, his fingers dancing over the skin of Izumi's stomach, slowly tracing over his sides.

"And I'll always be your king."

The air changes then, becoming charged with a new energy that neither of them had expected. Leo can't help himself as he presses his lips softly against Izumi's neck, unable to control himself. Warmth is slowly pooling in his lower abdomen. Izumi’s breaths are shaky and light, just from the way that Leo's kissing his neck.

There isn't anything about Izumi Sena that he doesn't love, there isn't anything that he couldn't love. Everything about him is so precious, and gorgeous, he's complete and utter perfection. For Leo to have him like this...

It's almost too much.

And Leo is ready to give Izumi his all, make him into his everything because that's what Izumi is. Izumi is Leo's everything, and Leo is Izumi's.

"Is this okay?"

Leo doesn't know how to ask, but he figures that he has to. The last thing he wants to do is hurt Izumi, he would never want to hurt him. Especially like that. 

"Mmhmm." 

So Leo believes him, moving on slowly. Izumi’s skin feels soft, and silky, but at the same time fragile underneath his touch. Like if he moves on finger wrong, or kisses too harshly cracks will appear. In a way, Izumi is doll like, Leo thinks but maybe that’s just him. Carefully, he moves his hands up and under Izumi’s shirt. Tracing his body, his muscles and taking it all in.

Taking in that Izumi is all his. That his boyfriend is willing to do this with him.

“Can I?”

Izumi stiffens, his breathing stops. He looks down, as if flustered. Leo can only imagine how cute he looks whilst blushing, with red tinting his cheeks and maybe even lightly showing on his neck…

But he waits because he doesn’t want to rush. He wants Izumi to be on the same page as him, because this isn’t just his decision to make. To others, it may not be as big, but to them...this means everything. Never have they shown themselves in such a way to each other, Leo doesn’t really care about the rumours that float around, hanging over Izumi’s head. Carefully, he begins to move his hands back up, wrapping them around Izumi’s sides.

“We don’t have to do anything, Sena.”

His words seem to fall on deaf ears, as Izumi takes Leo’s hands on his own and rests them on his hips.

“Just leave the shirt on, okay?”

Leo just nods and having Izumi leaning back against him like this is cute so he doesn’t contest it. But he doesn’t push it either, moving slowly, pressing his lips against Izumi’s skin softly. He knows that more than anything Izumi is avid on skincare, so it makes sense that his skin, no matter where Leo touches, is soft. 

Experimentally, Leo presses his fingers down slightly harder against Izumi’s hips. And it’s almost an instant reaction, his boyfriend melting into his touch as he lets out a loud whine. He does it again, but harder and the sounds that come from Izumi are the most beautiful thing he’s heard in his life. But within the moment they’re heard, Izumi’s covering his mouth, trying to stifle them for a reason that Leo doesn’t understand.

“Sena, let me hear you.”

But Izumi doesn’t listen and just whines into his hand more. Maybe it’s because it’s late and he doesn’t want to wake anyone, maybe it’s because he’s embarrassed but those sounds were enough to tip Leo over the edge.

“Be good for me, okay?”

Izumi shakes his head, and Leo gives in, deciding that he’ll have to force him to move his hand. Carefully Leo presses down harder, trying his hardest not to leave marks on Izumi’s hips. He doesn’t kiss softly anymore and instead begins to bite harshly, and sucking just enough to have Izumi almost keeling over. Pride fills him when he pulls away and sees mixes of purple and pink covering Izumi’s neck, just dark enough to be seen in the darkness of his bedroom. 

And just like that everything just clicks. Words fail to capture the atmosphere that surrounds them. Leo could almost laugh at how simple this is, how much like some kind of teen drama it is. He almost could say this is one, but this is real. What they’re doing now is real and he holds control over everything. So he decides that just maybe they should take things slow.

Izumi, however, seems to be thinking differently. His hand rests on top of Leo’s, moving it away from his hips. 

“S-Sena, what’re you?”

Izumi turns around then, and Leo looks into Izumi’s eyes, properly. They’re clear, and he can see right through them. He can see everything that he’s been looking for and more. Vulnerability is funny, it’s his biggest fear but his biggest want. Baring himself like how Izumi is willing to right now is something he’s always dreamed of.

Optimism is tiring.

Optimism whittles away at him, degrading his bones. Covering him up in poison, that’s started to infect him. But right now, right now he feels nothing but at peace. Smiling right now, for the first time in years, feels natural. Looking at Izumi, who looks so _scared _ Leo leans forward.

Izumi’s sitting on his knees, and Leo just leans forward. His arms wrap around Izumi’s neck and pull him in close. Kissing Izumi like this, pouring everything he can into it, and when Izumi responds with more than hesitance... 

Elation, pure and warm moves through his entire body. 

Carefully, he moves back, allowing himself to give in. Nothing has ever felt this right, nothing has felt this natural. Everything about Izumi has been natural to him, everything from his mannerisms to the way he talks. They’ve always worked so well together that this feels right.

Allowing himself to fall back, and letting his head sink into the pillow, it feels right. From where Izumi’s bed is, Leo can see the moonlight trickling through the window. It creeps onto the bed, and falls onto Izumi’s face. Serenity is what the picture brings him because his boyfriend looks nothing but breathtaking. Reaching forward, he rests his hand on Izumi’s cheek. 

“You really are the most beautiful thing in the world, Sena.”

Leo smiles then, softly. Heat rushes into Izumi’s cheeks, he can’t see it because it’s too dark. But he can feel it against his hand. For a reason he can’t quite place, Leo doesn’t think that Izumi believes him when he says that.

“Imperfect.”

Leo notices that Izumi’s hand is holding his own wrist, as if trying to stop him from scratching at something.

“How can something imperfect be beautiful, how can someone like me be beautiful? How do you look at me and see beauty when there is so much wrong with me that it’s all I see, whenever I look in the mirror I just see some _ monster. _ I’m abhorrent, imperfect.”

Izumi doesn’t even pause, but Leo can only watch as his boyfriend breaks in front of him. Scratching at himself, tearing at the delicate skin on his wrists.

“How can you love imperfection?”

Resignation rings through Izumi’s voice, his hands come to a stop and his voice just hangs. His words in the air, as if stuck on replay in Leo’s head because he has the opposite thought. He wonders how Izumi doesn’t see himself as perfect, how he doesn’t see himself as beautiful. 

“Stop that, Sena.”

Encasing Izumi’s hands in his own, Leo can’t do anything but look up into Izumi’s eyes. Instead of vulnerability this time around, there’s just tiredness. Tiredness that Leo wants to take away, he wants to take away all this darkness that clouds Izumi’s life. Heavy clouds hang over Izumi Sena, everyone knows that. He knows it better than anyone, and he knows how much darkness can eat away at someone to leave only weary bones behind.

“And imperfection gives me inspiration more than anything because if things were perfect what would there be for me to write about! To compose! If things were perfect there wouldn’t be any point in life, don’t you think, Sena?”

Smiling, he brings Izumi’s knuckles to his lips and kisses them softly.

“But-”

“No buts! You are beautiful, Sena,”

Without any expectation, Izumi leans forward and kisses him. He kisses Leo, and he lets his thoughts melt away. The world around him fades to nothing as he falls, giving his all to Izumi. And Izumi gives his all to him.

Falling...It’s a funny way to describe love, Leo thinks.

“Why do you think they call it falling in love, Sena?” 

Leo looks into Izumi’s eyes then, and the other moves off of him. Staring at the ceiling, Leo wonders why Izumi isn’t cuddling up to him, better yet, why isn’t he taking the opportunity to nestle in Izumi’s chest?

“Because love breaks you, Ou-Sama.”

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> remember kudos and comments are like sunlight is to a plant~ i hope you look forward to the next update


	8. VII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Sena did you know that you’re pretty even when you have that look on your face! But why do you look sad, you’re with me, you can’t be sad!” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so. this is purely just self indulgent filler since i figured they deserved a break (i also wanted to give them some time to come to terms with each other and their emotions since the last chapter was rather big)

Waking up in the morning is different. It’s different because instead of being woken by a blaring alarm clock, he’s woken up to soft humming and hands tangled in his hair. He doesn’t even know if he could even call it humming because it seems like Leo is doing it in his sleep.

_ Can you even hum in your sleep? _

Not questioning it any further he’s rather quick to do a quick survey of his surroundings, and the room is no cleaner than it had been when the two of them had fallen asleep. Which is good because that means his parents haven’t snuck in to see just who’s in his bed. Nor do they know that there’s someone in his bed, which he thinks is much better than he could have hoped for. Morning sun peeks through the blinds, right through the middle where there’s a tiny gap. It’s warm against his hands and he notices that the sun brings out Leo’s hair and skin even more. It’s fitting. Sunshine fits Leo more than anything else that Izumi can think of, maybe it’s because Leo endlessly radiates light and goodness. Maybe it’s because he’s the one to smile when there’s no one else smiling. It’s admirable, to be as happy as that, and to Izumi, Leo is brighter than the sun will ever be. It doesn’t matter whether he be asleep, cuddling into Izumi’s chest the way he is now, or running through the streets at midnight. Leo always exudes sunlight and warmth, he's pure light in a world so wrought with dark.

_ “How can you love someone like me?” _

Upon hearing his own voice in his head, Izumi cringes. He hadn’t meant to let Leo see that side of him. Not now, _not ever_, but here they are. With this morning being the aftermath of everything just spilling over, it feels as if today will be endless. He looks down, finding himself drawn to Leo. And he realises that when Leo's asleep is the only time that he isn’t smiling. He looks tired. He looks utterly drained even with the sun illuminating his skin perfectly. Carefully, Izumi rests his hands in Leo’s hair and begins to play with it. Running his hands through it carefully, and calmly as if to soothe him. To keep him asleep for that while longer so maybe Leo won’t be so tired anymore. But maybe that’s impossible. Then again, Leo is someone who’s relatively careless, he never thinks for himself, which means he never takes time for himself. Sure, Izumi can admit he’s fucked up but at least he knows what self care is. Leo, clearly doesn’t. He knows how to take care of himself, and make himself look presentable but Leo… Leo doesn’t know the first thing about looking after himself.

It’s a double-edged sword because, without Leo, Knights wouldn’t be where they are. But throughout the years, even as he came back, Leo hasn’t had time for himself. Every day he's spent writing new songs, pushing himself as if to tick off some kind of box. And now that he’s back he’s pushing to restore Knights to what they once were. Izumi’s the one at fault for Leo’s pain, he’s the one at fault for everything right now. Regret fills him he thinks of everything that he put his unit members through. It isn’t fair, it wasn’t fair. And now they all have to pay the price for the shitty decisions that he made when he was their leader.

“You stupid king.” Tears are forming in his eyes as he closes them, trying to force them back but they aren’t going anywhere.

“Why did you have to leave me?” The question lingers in the air, unanswered as Leo’s soft snores fill the bedroom, Izumi’s hands are still moving through his hair slowly. 

“If only you’d been there, if only you hadn’t left _ me _.” Izumi’s hands come to a standstill, his fingers grip onto Leo’s hair just that little bit harder. He's trying his best not to completely meltdown right now.

But this is hard, this is hard because he knows that everything that he’s doing right now is only going to make everything so much harder in the future. He doesn’t even know how much longer he and Leo will be able to be together. He feels like he could count the days on his fingered or make sure that they never end by putting everything off but then there are so many other problems with that. Maybe he should just call off this fucking dare. That would be the right thing to edo. But then there are so many other things that he has to think about, there are so many other people he has to think about than Leo. But maybe things are starting to finally look up, maybe he won’t have to break up with Leo. 

He knows that he doesn’t want to.

Because he’s never been this close to someone in his life, nevertheless this close to someone he cared for as much as Leo. Sobs begin to build up in his throat and Izumi forces himself to swallow them down, not wanting to disturb the serenity in his room. He untangles his hands from Leo’s hair, and then his legs. And just as he’s about to break free Leo wraps his arms around Izumi’s waist, trying to pull him back in bed with his eyes still closed. 

“Let go of me.” Izumi tries to pull Leo’s hands off of his waist and is only met with discontented groans.

“But Sena morning cuddles are the best! Everyone knows that.”

Izumi had forgotten just how much he’s affected by Leo’s morning voice. It’s not low or husky but it’s enough to make him feel something. He wriggles out of Leo’s grasp, running so he’s far enough that Leo can’t grab him. He pretends that he doesn’t feel the warmth on his cheeks and that his body doesn’t feel like it’s on fire.

“Why won’t you lay with me,Sena?” Leo’s eyes are alluring and he so badly wants to get back in bed with Leo, but his heart is beating as fast as a teenage girl’s.

“N-No it’s okay Ou-Sama, I need to go to the bathroom and wash up before we go out.”

“AH! Sena’s taking me out? On a real date? Oh how charming I’ll just have to be ready when you come back.”

“Just...don't leave my room, or break anything, alright?”

“Alright,Sena! Oh, What should I wear Sena has so many pretty clothes I bet I have to look cute in at least one thing!"

_ dumbass, you’d look cute in anything. _

And Leo does look absolutely adorable when Izumi comes back from his shower. He’s wearing what looks like a worn-out sweater, he’d never wear it out of the house since it’s torn and tattered. It’s an article of clothing that his mother would call well-loved then try to sneak away to give to charity. Holes are everywhere, the end of the sleeves are frayed and the material at the bottom is slightly stretched. It’s a thin woollen sweater that would usually be worn over a button-up. But Leo hadn’t realised that he’s wearing what looks like a black long sleeve underneath, which doesn’t necessarily go, but it suits Leo.

The pants that Leo has chosen, Izumi honestly has no clue where his boyfriend had found them. Because they are _ skinny. _ Skinny enough that even Naru would find them uncomfortable, but Leo almost seems fine in them and then to top it all of, he’s wearing the boots he’s always wearing.

“Do I look good!” Leo’s smile is wide, and it takes Izumi everything not to melt into the carpet right then and there. 

“No shit idiot, now move.

Izumi knows that Leo will find out about what’s going on sooner rather than later but he isn’t ready to tell him about the scars that mar his wrists and thighs. Maybe one day he’ll be able to, but right now he can barely bring himself to think about what he does to himself. Despite his razor blade being his biggest reprieve, it’s his biggest shame. Leo would only be disappointed if he ever found out about this weakness of Izumi’s, so that’s why he doesn’t dress around his boyfriend.

If not that, then it’s so Leo never notices just how skinny he is. Moving through his room he’s quick to grab his house keys as well as his wallet off of his desk, almost forgetting his coat from the back of his chair. He grabs a beanie for Leo since it looks rather cold outside from his window. Before the two of them leave his bedroom though, he presses his ear to the door.

Which, in his opinion, is a rather childish act but since his boyfriend decided to spontaneously visit him in the middle of the night, he needs to get him out of here somehow. Thankfully though, it’s quiet.

“Alright, as soon as I open this door Ou-Sama you go outside and wait for me okay?”

Izumi looks towards Leo, who just nods in response. Already adhering to this code of silence that had fallen down on them as soon as they’d decided to leave. The door creaks slightly as Izumi opens it slowly, and Leo doesn’t run and instead it’s as if he’s dancing over the floorboards. Lightly moving on his tiptoes, careful going down the stairs. Izumi counts to thirty under his breath, making sure that Leo is gone before opening the door fully and shutting it behind him. Quickly he makes his way through the house, careful not to wake his parents up.

The stairs creak where they always do, and the floorboards groan ever so slightly as he speeds up. When he gets to the front door and outside, he’s quick to lock it back up. As he looks around the front of the house though, Izumi notices that Leo’s gone missing. Which is odd because Leo never goes missing. Carefully, he begins to walk around the garden, trying not to make it obvious that he’s looking for someone in case his parents are looking through the windows. 

He wouldn’t put it past them. His mother is always worried about him not being open enough. It’s not that he isn’t open to them, it’s just that he doesn’t think half the things that are going on in his life are worth mentioning to them. Sometimes he doesn’t even mention these things to Arashi, but she’s different because somehow she always manages to get everything out of him. It’s annoying. 

“Ou-Sama, come on we have to go.”

And of course, Leo appears then. Sticks, leaves and twigs are sticking out of his hair. His braid has turned into a mess, and his clothes are covered in muck.

“You ruined the fun, Sena!” 

“Sure, I ruined the fun, we have to get away from my home dumbass.”

Izumi begins to walk away from the outside of his home, Leo’s steps falling in sync with his own. “And clean yourself up, we’re going somewhere nice.” Izumi isn’t sure where he’s taking Leo just yet, but his boyfriend deserves the best he can get before things go downhill. He smiles to himself, the warm sun bearing down on the two of them as they make their way to the train station.

_ Today will be nice. _

* * *

Stepping out of the train, Izumi doesn’t take Leo’s hand but he tells him to stay close. It isn’t that he doesn’t want to hold Leo’s hand, it’s just that they’re in the more expensive part of town now. Not only are there the typical rumours to worry about, but also the glares and harassment that a lot of gay couples face.

Leo, not to his surprise at all, is negligent of the fact that they’re in such an area and takes his hand anyways. Izumi has to pretend that he’s okay with it for what feels like ages, it’s as if he can feel everyone’s gazes on his back, marking him. Looking around, his eyes land on a small cafe. It’s one of his favourites, he never goes there out of concern for the amount he’ll gorge himself but just this once he figures that he can let it slide. He doesn’t have any photoshoots coming up, and he hasn’t had anything nice in what feels like forever..

_ Just this once… _

“Oh! Oh,Sena what’s this one it looks so cute, they have so many sweets and do you think that Ruka would like those chocolates?”

Heavily, Izumi sighs before physically pulling Leo back from where he was pushing himself against the window. 

“Come on, there’s gonna be a line when we get in Ou-Sama.”

He’s right, there is a line but it isn’t too long. The inside smells like sugar and there’s a nice ambience. Not many people come here with him, the only other person he can actually remember being here with is Arashi. To commemorate the end of a more gruelling day onset, since the two of them had maintained what could be thought of one of the strictest diets in the world.

“Good morning, is it just the two of you today?” 

“Yes, thank you, we’ll be getting coffee and breakfast. Izumi says, and Leo looks at him confused. The question that’s probably on Leo’s mind is how can he manage to come here."

“Alright! This way please.” Picking up two menus, their service person quickly leads them to a small two-person booth seated at a window. It’s nice, Izumi thinks, you can people watch easily if you were here alone. Both him and Leo don’t mind it, in fact,he finds it quite refreshing just to watch people go about their daily lives.

“Sena, what are you getting!” 

Izumi looks at the menu that had been placed in front of him, and the first thing he sees is the page with sweet breakfast foods. He won’t admit to anyone that he has a sweet tooth, it’s one of his better-kept secrets. Oftentimes he even manages to fool himself. Pictures of french toast, fluffy pancakes, milkshakes and more adorn the menu in front of him.

_ God that’s so much shit. You don’t need it. _

Usually, that little voice in his head is enough to get him to stop. But right now, right now it isn’t enough.

“Sena did you know that you’re pretty even when you have that look on your face! But why do you look sad, you’re with me, you can’t be sad!” 

Looking at Leo, he sees the smile on his face and the warmth in his eyes but that’s different to what he hears. Worry bleeds through in his voice and the way his eyes soften when they meet Izumi’s.

“Whatever, I’m fine Ou-Sama, what do you want? My treat.”

Izumi can’t help but feel warmth blossom in his chest as Leo’s eyes brighten, his smile widens and it feels like it just got blindingly bright. Watching as Leo scribbles on the napkins with a pen, humming to himself as he looks over the menu. Maybe this is okay. Maybe he won’t go home and starve himself to make up for today because with Leo, things like this…

They’re _ nice. _

“Well, what do you want?”

Izumi hadn’t been expecting to hear that, because if he’s being honest his stomach had stopped hurting from hunger a while ago. His vision had been fuzzy for a while and his head is starting to hurt. The temptation to order black coffee to stifle it is there.

“I-I can’t, there’s too much shit in this stuff.”

“Mm, I’m not dumb Sena! I know you and I know that you want the french toast right? With strawberries and cream!” 

Leo’s smiling so widely, his eyes are so warm and welcoming. He’s safe here, he can do what he wants and nothing will happen to him.

“Fine. Just this once.”

Looking at Leo, Izumi can tell that he’s more than happy with the response. Vibrating in his seat, with a smile on his face Leo calls over the serviceperson who’d seated them no less than twenty minutes ago.

“Oh? You’re ready to order, alright! What can we get you two today?”

Absentmindedly, Izumi opens his mouth to order his usual black coffee to at least give him some peace of mind. But Leo beats him to it, and orders a strawberry milkshake with ice cream for the two of them to share, and Izumi is left dumbfounded. Leo orders the pancakes, he thinks, but he isn’t even sure if he heard him right.

“And for yourself?”

“I’ll just have the french toast with extra strawberries and cream, and a black coffee as well thank you.”

The server reads their order back to them and everything checks out. And just like that the two of them are alone again. Izumi doesn’t say anything, watching Leo be in his own world as he writes on the napkins, humming to himself.

“You always have a pen with you, don’t you Ou-Sama?”

Resting his head in his hands, Izumi can’t help but be completely enamoured in Leo, and how he makes everywhere into his own.

“You never know when inspiration will strike!! That’s what it means to be a genius Sena!” 

“...Well, what inspired you this time then?”

“You.”

Out of all the replies in the world, Izumi hadn’t been expecting that. But it’s affirming, it’s affirming to know that the man he loves has so much to write that he can’t stifle it. That he has to let it be seen, even if it’s just on some thin paper napkins or on a whiteboard at school. 

Seeds of doubt are everywhere though, they weigh him down because there’s nothing but negativity to write about. There’s nothing to write about aside from the amount of self loathing and hate he holds for himself. Maybe Leo’s writing about how imperfect he is, maybe he’s writing about the words they’d shared about last night.

“Sena?”

Sighing, Izumi looks up from where he’s staring at the table.

“Hm?”

“You’re my knight, which means that you are perfect.”

Izumi is tempted to ask how Leo could tell just what it was that he was thinking, but maybe he won’t be able to get an answer just yet. Or maybe he’s scared, either way he just smiles, ever so slightly. Believing, and think are perfect. Believing you are perfect, is merely tricking yourself into thinking that you are. If he lets himself fall into Leo’s words so easily, then he’ll only be tricking himself. But he wants to think he’s perfect, he doesn’t want to just believe anymore.

“Uh huh, food’s coming.”

As the server sets their food down, Izumi quickly gets a glance at their nametag.

“Thank you, Sho is it?”

“Oh uh, yeah, you’re drinks will be here in a bit as well.”

Izumi smiles at them before they go off to help another couple who’ve just walked in. 

“Oh, Sena that was smooth.”

Scoffing, Izumi looks back towards Leo who’s looking at him with mirth in his eyes and a smile on his face.

“It’s just basic decency, Leo-kun.”

Izumi doesn’t realise it. He doesn’t realise it until he sees the expression on Leo’s face, with his wide eyes and mouth twitching at the sides. Heat fills his cheeks, his knee begins to bounce. Embarrassed, he just starts to eat his food. It’s sweet, and indulging, it’s everything he’s wanted to eat throughout every diet he’s been forced on.

“Sena-”

“Mm, your food’s gonna go cold, Ou-Sama.”

Brushing it off, he tries not to give Leo the change to speak. Waiting for their drinks to arrive.

“Call me by name.” Leo sounds so sure, and Izumi can do nothing but nod. Heat rises back to his face, and he’s certain that he’s blushing. He wonders if Leo’s picked up on it at all. “You’re cute when you blush, Sena.”

He’s _ dead. _ And that only makes him heat up more, and for once he feels like he can’t even find words. Usually he’s always got a quip of some sort to send back to Leo, but right now he’s purely flustered. Which is a problem in itself, because he _ never _gets flustered.

“Shut up already.”

Laughing, Leo begins to eat and the waiter comes back carrying a massive calorie filled milkshake that he’s dreading, and his coffee. A reprieve that he’s thankful for. The two of them say a quick thank you, and Leo says that their faded green hair is cool and the service person thanks before walking away.

“Come on Sena try it! They gave us two straws you have to, please? for me.”

Leo is practically pleading with him, with his eyes wide. It’s cute, he hates it. 

“Fine.”

Leo claps his hands together, Izumi ignores the anxiety building in the pit of his stomach. And as soon as he takes a sip, it’s gone. Sweetness explodes on his tongue, and it’s so smooth.

“Oh that’s fucking good.”

“See! It’s worth it isn’t it? Plus you should treat yourself Sena, you’re always doing those stupid diets, don’t you get sick of them! I know I’d hate them because I like sweet things so much.”

Leaning his head in his hand, Izumi can’t help but feel content in this moment. Happiness filling the environment, and he swears he feels his heart skip a beat at Leo’s smile.

“They keep me healthy, without them I wouldn’t be anywhere near as popular as I am now.”

_ You wouldn’t be anywhere near perfection _.

He pushes the thought away, not wanting to ruin this. Diets to him aren’t silly, they’re not stupid either. They’re essential, for his job as well as his own mental health. If he didn’t do them he shudders to think about where he would be right now. 

“But Sena, does popularity really matter over being happy! I don’t think it does, but I like making people happy and I like it when you’re happy.”

Leo sounds so reserved, as if he’s trying to hide something. And maybe he is, Izumi isn’t an idiot. He’s known enough people who worry about him, most of them are impeccable at hiding it. But Leo isn’t one of those people, he isn’t his mother, he isn’t Arashi or Ritsu. He’s Leo Tsukinaga, who’s so happy that it’s sickening.

“Why’re you so obsessed with happiness?”

Blunt, and to the point. That’s what people have always known him as, it’s not cold to show the truth. If anything, it’s the opposite, every time he’s blunt he’s saving those he loves from pain later on. Bitterness makes its way through his mouth, a complete contrast to the sweetness from the strawberry milkshake he’d tasted no less than ten minutes ago.

Leo’s mouth is full, he looks completely content sitting across from Izumi, with sweets and a half finished pile of pancakes in front of him.

“Because Sena! Happiness makes the world go round if we didn’t smile where would we be?”

Call him stupid, but he’s sensing that there’s a hidden underground. Whether it was a change in Leo’s voice or the subtle tightening of his shoulders. The semi faux smile on his face. But he leaves it, Izumi doesn’t press it.

“Who knows.”

Izumi begins to look out the window, watching people walk by. A young boy is running through the crowd, carelessly with laughter coming from his mouth. His little sister is trying to follow, but she’s much younger and falling over herself. Out of the corner of his eye, he catches Leo’s arm reaching over to his side of the table.

“Hey! Ou-sama that’s mi-”

Sweet cream, strawberries and light bread are shoved in his mouth. 

“Did you think I was stealing from you, Sena? I can’t believe you would dare think a king would steal from his noble knight.”

“You have a penchant for sweets, I can only trust you as far as I can throw you when it comes to this.”

“Oh but Sena you’re so strong, so you have to trust me lots, right?”

He has to hold himself back from throwing his head against the table. He shoves another forkful of french toast in his mouth, relishing in it because he has no idea when he’ll get to eat like this again. And he knows that there aren’t good things in store for him when Leo leaves him alone.

“...Right.”

**Author's Note:**

> [twitter](https://twitter.com/riotwoIves) | [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/riotwoives)


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